Anywhere

There I sit ….

THERE I SIT

Pleading for answers like a whore

Menthol slim and tazo green in hand

Bundled for protection from her crisp night breath

She gallops through the trees cutting through each blade of grass with speed and elegance

Whispering truth with each pass

how could it be?

and The moon…

she hides behind a sheet of jet

so as not to have to look at me and lie

Just say it …. JUST FUCKING SAY IT ALREADY

I sit there motionless, a lady in waiting

Wondering ….. Feeling

For one slight moment

That maybe

Just maybe

I’m supposed to be

elsewhere.

Somewhere else

With someone else

Doing something else

Could she be right?

…. and the heart….

The Heart

She grows heavy

I can’t hold her much longer

How do I tell her that her gig is up?

Polling

I am thinking of resurrecting this thing…………..

I’m thinking about it… simply because my thoughts are often louder than my voice…..

So why the hell not ….

right?

The snowflakes.. they melt into my tears and you can’t tell which is which

I sit here at my kitchen table

Looking out into a sea of white

Sipping a warm hot chocolate, yet still feeling a coolness stir inside of me

I wonder where you are right now,

what you are doing or whether you even read here

I try to understand you but I can’t pretend anymore

Why is loving you so hard

what are you afraid of

If the world ended tomorrow, we wouldn’t know how great we would be together

because we would be exactly that … great

I can love you like you need to be loved

I can kiss you like you have never been kissed before

I can squeeze your hand softly to let you know things will be ok when they don’t seem to be

I can be all that you need because I need you

You may not be good for me but I know that you are for me

How crazy is that

You cannot pretend that I am not here because I am

You know that I am and your heart knows that I am

so what’s your deal

I can fill that big space of yours ever so nicely don’t you think

DON’T YOU THINK

There is no pretending you see, its just you and me

as it should be

But for now I will venture out into the white

and I will cry

but you won’t know that

because it is snowing outside

Nothing compares …

to that very moment when they lay her in your arms and she looks at you, her world, for the first time

to the feeling of that warm ray spilling through the window and shining down on your face on an early dewy morning

to the pitter patter of his paws when you walk through the door after a hard day at work

to the latte and stale cigarette when you just need to get away

to the lyrics he writes that lend you hope when you feel you’ve had enough

to the way he comes in close and barely kisses you while holding your head in his hands

to the random orchid you wake up to find on your pillow “just because”

to those beautiful midnight drives blaring your favourite tunes when you need to escape

to that song on your ipod that makes your heart beat quicker and makes you run even faster

to that cozy winter night naked under a fur blanket watching your favourite movie with him

to that glass of pinot noir that helps you wind down in a candlelit bath

to those moments when you check your inbox and you see his message

to that moment when he looks in your eyes with a smile and recognizes you

to those crazy summer nights chatting on the veranda with good friends only to later realize that its 5a.m

to those words of encouragement and support that they give when you fail

to that hand you draw when I fall

These moments …

are like little pictures that remind me that nothing compares to you

not even a little

Is a little grey too much to ask?

So I have had some relatively productive (and by productive, I mean “somewhat”) happy days.  A shift in paradigm is what I’m still holding out for, so I try not to question it too much.  But (yes there always is one), it hit me today how I’m such an extremist.  When I party, I drink, dance and smoke til the cows come home or not at all; when I exercise, I’m either working out as if I’m fighting to save my life or I’m the biggest lazy ass couch tater the world has seen; when I … well you see where I’m going with this right?

My life is laden with highs and lows and it is both exhausting and boring at the same time if you can imagine that.  It all comes down to the realization that something seems to be missing.  What the hell happened to the grey?  And what about all that colour theory jazz of mixing a bit of black and white to get those wicked vast shades of grey that I love to wear so often.  When I do this kind of mixing I do not end up anywhere remotely near this kind of cool grey.

I guess what I’m getting at here is the need for a happy medium.  Yes “medium” that’s what we’ll call it.  That nice area between the black and white where things are all ho hum.  You know, nothing too crazy or outlandish, just your happy-to-be, easy going, laid back grey.

How did I get left out of the middle?

So in search of the middle and not being able to find it, I went to go buy it!  (this lead to nostalgia … that desire to put on a kilt and go back to the good ol’ school days whereby everything seemed so much simpler)

the search made me hungry so I indulged in this …. my infamous chocolate coconut raisin oatmeal pick-me-uppers!

topped off with none other …

If you could only see …

how sad I am

how I hide from behind a book so that you don’t get a glimpse of my life

how I play my music really loud so that you can’t hear me scream

how I stay silent so that you can’t read my thoughts

how often I wear my sunglasses so that you can’t see me cry

how I shop to fill the void

how I sleep to avoid “it”

how I watch tv to silence “it”

how I kiss to mask “it”

how I take pictures to cover “it”

If you could only see me, then you’d know …

you’d know everything

everything about “it”

Playing it safe …

Last night’s plans were intended to appear way different from what they materialized to be.

A patio, copious amounts of alcohol and the warm sun beating down on me … a dangerous concoction for the troubled mind and heart.

Instead I settled for a chai latte and wi-fi .. the “safer” option.  Am I getting old?  I refuse to believe this.

I also compiled a “must read” list for my next date with Chapters and a “music-to-check out” list.  I’m a LIST LOVER as you can see!!!

Tonight I think I will skip away to the great outdoors for a couple of days.  I think the fresh air and the water will do me good.  Seeing that I will be away from the world wide web, I will be forced to grass roots it and resort to more primitive forms of entertainment like reading books!  Not so bad eh?

With the probability of a trip north looming, I went to see Mr.Chapter this morning and picked up four (yes four!) books off my “must read” list.  I will force my literary reviews of each on all of you upon finishing them!

Anywho, so this may be a sign off for a couple of days, but i’m kind of crabby so I may change my mind on a whim and settle on candy, coffee and rentals and perhaps a meandering of the city tomorrow. 

Je ne sais quoi?

Toodles.

Too Close…

This past week in a moment of weakness I came close to falling.  Falling in the worst possible way.

All these questions of life that have been encircling my thoughts got me to thinking in a way that is unlike me. 

My character was questionned, but I stood up and realized that I am stronger than I think.

I will not pretend to be who you want me to be, I am who I am.

I am like no one you’ll ever meet.  How unfortunate for you.

Sure I may never know what it would have been like, but I can sleep tonight knowing that you didn’t get the best of me.

You dont deserve the best of me.

And that to me is victory.

What does it all mean?

This morning I received terrible news.  Well not news really because the pit of my stomach had a feeling about this, I just think we (myself included) were all too afraid and too much in denial to actually state it.  We knew it couldn’t be good and well, this morning it was sort of confirmed.

A dear family member sits in the hospital at this very moment awaiting a death sentence.  For some white coat to tell him how his last days will be spent; forcing him to think about things that he never thought were possible.  What to do now? To whom to leave what? What to leave behind? How will they make out? I’ll never see them marry.  WHY ME? 

The notion of mortality always gets the better of me and often sends me into a whirlwind of anxiety.  Loss of any kind is something that I struggle with.  I’m almost afraid to get close to the ones I love for fear of losing them.  I come from an extremely tight family unit and just the very thought makes me want to vomit.  Its funny how I fear the one most constant guarantee in life.  That “knowing” alone should bring me comfort but it doesnt.  I even fear about how it will happen or how old I will be.  I have to come to terms with this and somehow this is bringing alot of it to the forefront.  I find myself thinking about my life so far, my past and all the things that I’ve wanted to do.

I’ve always been adamant about having no regrets but that would be in an ideal world wouldnt it?  There’s no escaping regret because as much as we think we dont we always wish we could have done something different or better or sooner or later.  There are alot of things I would have done different.  Maybe I would have moved to New York like I wanted or travelled the world or slept with a thousand men or pursued a dance career.  Who knows?!  Kind of pointless to brew about it now isn’t it.  I can only change going forward.  Perhaps its time to make me own “bucket list”.

Because really, what does it mean to live? Is to live to take in all the wonders of the world? Is it to find inner peace? or is it to just do whatever the fuck it is that makes you happy… today i’m leaning toward the latter.

Forgive Me Father …

Tonight

In the warm midnight air

I hear you

THICK

And louder than I ever have

I feel you

closer, deeper, DEEPER, closer

I’ve got nowhere to hide

Left on your altar for sacrifice

I try to run you, MY SIN, out from my pores

But you keep coming back

Like a disease to plague me

You fuck my mind

Tarnish my soul

Tease my loins

Taunt

Play

Seduce

Think you have me don’t you?

Let’s dance and we’ll see about that

Forgive me father ….