Come in, the door is open …

I sat for awhile thinking about what would be worthy to blog about and then I questionned why I even cared.  A blog should be random off-shoutings of the mind not premeditated; well, at least that is what I think it should be about.

This weekend was busy.  I was busy existing and again not living in the moment.  It really sucks.

Friday I scurried in and out of stores in search of a dress for S&M’s wedding which happened to be on the following day (saturday).  So yes, I am a procrastinator to the highest degree.  I secretly crave pressure and it is in that environment that I think I excel.  I narrowed my choices down to two … a cute bcbg number with wicked pumps to match and a french connection get up.  Now let me say here that I always find a way to rationalize my purchases as not desires but needs, but strangely so, logic reigned supreme for the first time in a long time.  Seeing that this would be my last wedding of the year, I could not justify or rationalize my way into buying a dress/pumps that I knew I wouldn’t wear again.  I made due with what I had and let’s be serious here, you can never go wrong with a simple, little black number … the staple to every woman’s wardrobe.  Great!  Now I can direct my monies to more warranted fall clothing purchases.

Saturday was the wedding and it was somewhat chaotic as I was chaperoned by lil’ miss C.  Getting her organized for feedings, an adequate nap and wardrobe changes was more than I bargained for, but we managed quite successfully and surprisingly with ease.  The wedding was beautiful and it stirred up a lot of “feel-good” in what lately has become a very cynical mind.  Maybe its a fleeting moment or just maybe its a feeling that will decide to stick around, but for now I will go with the flow and che sara, sara! (“what will be, will be” for all you non-eyetalians).  Cliche-ness aside, it was a good party.  I mean it always is when the lot of us get together for some drunken dancing escapades (chillax! Before you go Brittney Spears on my ass … i had a sitter for the evening).  What most of you should know is that I have remained friends with a really great bunch of twelve since kindergarten and this twelve has extended to twenty something as some of us have either sparked up a new boyfriend, have become engaged or have been long since married.  I feel very fortunate to be surrounded with such great friendships that are so rare, yet so true.  I will try to post some pics of the affair in the coming days.

Sunday was laissez faire!  I did as much of nothing as one can do when you have a child.  So it really isn’t doing nothing, but something, just not the normal day-to-day somethings.  Comprend?

So now I sit here in the wee hours of Tuesday morning feeling the urgency for change; shift in mind and heart.  To be honest, I’m tired of blogging about being lazy and uninspired and afraid and all the negative connotations that follow.  I want an open heart, a free mind and a carefree spirit and although I cannot wakeup tomorrow (later this morning) with a platter of all three to indulge in, I will wake up with a more conscious effort to accept them if they come knocking.  I want to believe in love again, I want to believe in myself and I want to believe in life in general.  Who knows maybe breathing in life with a new perspective will take me there.  Right now at this very moment, I desire to pick up a paint brush.  I haven’t done that in awhile.  Its a bit exciting actually.  That desire and excitement that flutters in your stomach … the newness.  Yes that’s what I hope will come knocking.

Goodbye Blue Monday

The clock just ticked to 1:56 AM and this is the fourth night of next-to-nothing sleep.  Maybe its the late night coffees or just maybe I’m on thinker overdrive.

Today I did sweet-fanny-atom!  As you can clearly read I’m lacking in the motivation department.

Its been a week since I’ve been at the gym and I’ve been eating house with several cups of coffee consumed per day.  This can’t be good!  My blase (yes relax … insert the aigu on the e … and insert middle finger while you’re at it! I cant figure it out alright!) mood is really played out already.  Its one of those things that you know you should change because you’re only going to keep bitching about it, but yet you are too flippin lazy to do anything about it. 

 So as promised I have included for you kiddies some photographs of my escapades and moods these past two weekends all of which included lunches, wine, dinners, wine, parties, baking, beach, sulking and feeling sorry for myself … oh and wine.

My new fave colour combo

I thought shopping would help the mood … the high was very temporary.  I was indecisive about the dress, but snagged the belt at a ridiculous good price.

Bad mood a la goth.

This was Time Wasting 101 at its finest.  I was bored and the gang was taking forever to get primped and dolled.  We had dinner this night at Yonge & Egg.

Can you see the self hate in my face?  Theres more of this below.

A failed attempt at trying to love me.

You know the whole saying about loving yourself first … horseradish, its blasphemous.  Even in my self loathing, there’s one person that I love more than the air that I breathe and that’s lil’ miss C.  Its not to say that I don’t recognize the need to love me, I just don’t think that I am ready for that kind of lovin.

Here are some random pics taken on the way to dinner.

Check out the mass of garbage that Toronto can produce in one sitting.  Impressed or what?

wtf? uh... heard of recycle much?

This sweet ride reminded me of Little Miss Sunshine.  I’d love to steal it, paint it white with pink and fuscia and sell cupcakes out of it.

cupcake mobile

 And how ingenious is this?  Selling the bastard’s clothes! brilliant.

The next day I went shopping again and found this gem.  I want the orange one for my pad.

One of my fave bloggers (www.raymitheminx.com) is going to rip into me for the hair, but I was way too LAZY to pimp it.  Loved this tank paired with the varsity cardi but couldn’t justify the dollar.  I will most probably change my mind and go back for them cuz that’s how I roll (usually).

We had lunch at Jack Astors and I, of course, caved and had the chicken fajitas and a pomegranite margarita slushy thingy… it was aiight.

This past Sunday I decided to get away and take the long awaited trip North to Tiny.  This is the view from my folks’ cottage.

Le Beach

This guy was serenading a couple on the beach.  They had a table set up with food and wine, but he sucked the bag big time …  god help him if this was the bastard’s attempt at a proposal.  A mariachi band would have been a sure in.

These two occupied prime sand castle building real estate.  Totally must have sucked back way too much vino cuz they were in this position for the entire three hours that we were there … ah, sweet drunk love.

All hope was not lost … we found another spot

Cast aways … well not really, its my brother and his girlfriend.

Token party shot from Anna’s dirty 30 at Ultra.

We were on the patio all night … gotta love the humid hair, hence the quick fix sorta up do.

Oh and straight from the desk of the insomniac cupcake whore …

Lest us not forget the two dozen cupcakes that I was commissioned to make for a bachelorette party.

corset cake

So there you have it.  Probably the longest post you’ll ever see here. 

A rambling of thoughts as you can plainly see which are perfectly in sync with my mood and thought patterns over the last two weeks.  With everything that’s been happening, it all feels like kind of a blur.  Going through the motions, but not really being present in mind.

This is all starting to frighten me as I feel myself slipping into that place that I so easily go to.  I wake up each day hoping that somehow this time will be different.  That just maybe I will realize in time to do something before it spirals.  We’ll soon see I guess.

Goodbye blue monday … until tomorrow.

Therapy

Okay so I’m back and no I didn’t go up North as I was uninterested in being present at a party with my thoughts… afterall, thats what got me into a rut in the first place!

I instead opted for retail therapy in the city all weekend long.

Friday night I enjoyed a dinner with our “Grazie” cugini.  Grazie, by the way, is an amazing little Italian resto at Yonge and Eglinton.  Amazing not because they are family but because their food is “amaaazing.”

It was a splendid night of carbs and wine but well worth the calories.  My ”cycle” thanked me later for the post dinner bloat.

Oh and one of MTV’s hostess’ dined next to us …. meh (not as sweet as she tries to look on camera)

After our fabulous carb dinner, off it was to see b-flick “Young People Fucking” with skinny latte in tow.  The movie was darling, funny and oddly realistic at times.  Great cast.  The best friend duo were hilarious but the threesome was even more so (although the least realistic of the plots).  Point here is that the movie was funny and I liked it.

Turned in on Friday at 3am … apparently i’m nocturnal

Saturday morning I woke with the birds at an alarming 6am.   Did some reading, showered, had breakfast then off it was to Queen Street with LS and AK (and her dog carli).  We shopped for SEVEN hours.  It was magical.  There is nothing more therapeutic than mindless (literally) shopping.  I came out with a wicked loot of finds which included: cute hair accessories, a green belt, and a navy dress.  Oh and we made an LCBO stop on the way home for some bottles of wine.

Got home, drank to drunk and fell asleep (again mindless). GREAT.  Just what I needed.

Sunday morning it was back to the city for more shopping, but this time we headed to Yonge and Dundas.  I came out with two pairs of very cute boots for the Fall and a precious 1920s cloche.  I’m super stoked to put a nifty outfit together for a night in the town.  I have many events coming up so hopefully I can post pics of what I can muster up!

Sunday night included more wine, reading and then lights out at 2am only to get a second wind an hour later…ughhh… so annoying

Today (Monday) I felt like shit all day.  I’m lazy, bored and up to my eyes in self loathing.  Lil’ miss C and I spent the day with my folks and it was nice and they were ecstatic to spend time with her but I felt like although I was present physically, mentally I was somewhere else altogether.  I am struck with these feelings again of not knowing who I really am at the core.  I know what I value, but I am unsure as to what I really want out of life.  I know I want to be happy but I dont know what will make me happy or how to get there for that matter.  I feel like I need change but I am lacking the will and motivation to bring these changes to fruition.  Some days I feel like I want to be married, other days I want to be single, some days I want to be a painter, other days I want to be a baker or a fashion designer.  I just wish I had direction. 

I think what I really feel is lost and there are not enough cute items in this world to purchase that are going to help me get to the root.  They may bandaid the issue for a short moment, but at the end of the day when I put my head on my pillow in the wee hours of the morning all I ever feel is LOST.

Maybe I need a cleanse? Maybe I just need to get away for a bit.  I don’t know …

I’ve got to do something though and fast because I dont want to waste another minute of my life on this inner battle shit!