I often kick myself for things that I should have done, moments where I should have reacted, things I should have said … but what good is this really. Hindsight is 20/20 and that’s the way it has to be because if it wasn’t then I wouldnt be having this string of thought to begin with.
I have had the fortune/misfortunate depending on how you look at it of having someone come into my world recently and turning it inside out forcing me to take a deep gander into what is my life. I find myself questionning what the hell I want and to be quite honest, I don’t have a clue. I mean, I think I know what I want, but it changes from week to week. I thought the self discovery bullshit would have been done by now but truthfully, I don’t think I’ve nearly come close to beginning.
For most of my life I have always done what has been expected of me, and I have put everyone else’s feeling and problems before my own. It has led me down a path of mediocrity and yes, my life hasn’t sucked by any means, but it has not lived up to its fullest potential. I’m no longer happy to just be. To simply exist is not to live. Why am I so damned scared to live? I shy away from risk for fear of failure, but isn’t it that leap of faith, that chance that we take regardless of the outcome, where we learn and grow in the most profound way. And why am I programmed to do and act on the things that I feel are “the right thing to do”? I, for once, want to be reckless and do without thinking or taking into account how people will be affected by my actions or decisions and this is not to say that I want to deliberately hurt the ones I care about, but rather a desire to live carefree if only for a short while. I want to once again wake up with the tenacity and lust for life I once had. The days of being naive and feeling invincible. Those are the days I long to feel once again. The days where stupid mistakes are chalked up as young innocent discovery phases. Phases … got to love that word. It was like a get out of jail free card. “She pierced her tongue Mary, its just a phase she’s going through.” (my dad discussing my new accessory back in 1997)
I’m 30, I have a home of my own, and I am a mother to the most precious little girl ever … BUT, I want a new phase … something to make me feel alive again, something that’s going to put a skip in my step and make my heart race a little faster. There isn’t anything wrong with that, right?
A letter to whoever …
For so long you were someone on the other end of the world
Someone unattainable
Someone I could only hear but could never really touch
Until now
In my world you came with only a few short words
And no punctuation
Forthright and to the point
Dangling the very thing you know I wanted
Only I bailed because I was scared
Scared to face me from the inside out
Scared to learn what I could be and do so easily
Some days I feel like a monster
But on other days, I only crave it more
Its all I think about
All I dream about
All that I regret
For doing and not doing
Saying and not saying
And so here you leave me with my world turned inside out
For me to pick up the pieces and make sense of it all
You’ll never really know me
Or how you changed me
Or how much I care about you
Because you’re just another one of them
Who leave me with nothing but a pile
Just because I didn’t jump
What a shame
Such a shame
An affection so pure
An admiration so great
And you won’t ever get to know it
Because you have your head stuck up your ass
What a pity.
p.s. what is it about 1:56 a.m.?
