Afterglow

Today I was faced with an overwhelming moment of fear

Fear of something terribly wrong and it finally put me over the edge

There is no hiding from it, I have to face it

Face it, live it, love it …. love me and all the little things

everything else doesn’t matter

So I will sit here and try to live in the afterglow of “good”

because if I don’t choose it, the ugly will win

take me out completely

and the world would lose something great

something real and genuine

something would be noticeably missing

I’m not going out like that ….

The snowflakes.. they melt into my tears and you can’t tell which is which

I sit here at my kitchen table

Looking out into a sea of white

Sipping a warm hot chocolate, yet still feeling a coolness stir inside of me

I wonder where you are right now,

what you are doing or whether you even read here

I try to understand you but I can’t pretend anymore

Why is loving you so hard

what are you afraid of

If the world ended tomorrow, we wouldn’t know how great we would be together

because we would be exactly that … great

I can love you like you need to be loved

I can kiss you like you have never been kissed before

I can squeeze your hand softly to let you know things will be ok when they don’t seem to be

I can be all that you need because I need you

You may not be good for me but I know that you are for me

How crazy is that

You cannot pretend that I am not here because I am

You know that I am and your heart knows that I am

so what’s your deal

I can fill that big space of yours ever so nicely don’t you think

DON’T YOU THINK

There is no pretending you see, its just you and me

as it should be

But for now I will venture out into the white

and I will cry

but you won’t know that

because it is snowing outside

The end of me …

or so that is the way I felt all day.

From the time I woke up this morning, I’ve been hit with this tingling sensation in my head.

I’ve been feeling quite dizzy and faintish, with an overall numbing in my entire body. (worth mentioning: be careful of what you wish for … i wanted numbing, but this is not what I had in mind)

Freaked out, yes I was am.

My first instict was to sugar surge in the event that it was low blood sugar, but much to my dismay that didn’t work.

In another attempt to self medicate, I threw back a handful of salted pretzels (my neighbour thought it could be low blood pressure).  I was feeling pretty confident about this one since I occasionally have the tendency to have low blood pressure, but still nothing.

So now I feel dizzy, numb still AND sick (from my various attempts) on top of it all.

Could it be stress? or am I dying?

Dramatic? yes perhaps but its scaring the F*&$ out of me.

I popped two Advils for good measure.

I’m still not sleepy.

Huh! …. as I glance over with dazy eyes to look at the neon green on my alarm clock, I realize that its that time again.

How strange.