Conditions have taken a turn and are on a quick path to worse.
Thanksgiving was like no other (and not in a good way). Their absence at the table this year left me with a feeling of sadness and guilt.
I have been extremely busy working and being the greatest mom I can. So between baking, sewing and just plain old errands, my “off time” (which is not very much) is spent in nothingness.
I will try to post pics at some point this week.
Take care
Okay so day two………this is starting to feel refreshing but intimidating at the same time; as I need to keep reminding myself that i’m going out on a limb here, taking a leap of faith and am opening up my vulnerable self to whoever may land here.
Last night I found myself enduring a “late…very late night workout” at a local gym. I had my trusty playlist motivating me through my workout, when suddenly I became plagued with this overwhelming feeling…. the feeling that things in my life right now are spinning out of control. Now let me backup here and inform you that it has been three years that I have suffered spontaneous, full blown panic attacks. In the beginning these panic attacks were controlled by meds, but I have since learned to “try” (operative word) to ride them out. Last night’s episode wasn’t so bad, but I became struck with this heavy feeling in my chest … I’m searching for something that even I am not sure of.
I’m a mom to a very beautiful little girl. I feel eternally blessed to have her in my life and although she has been the best thing that has happened to me, I feel as though a part of me got lost in the shuffle. Being a mom is rewarding in a way that I cannot articulate, but its physical and mental demands often leave a woman in search of the woman she once was. Day to day tasks, thoughts and priorities are entirely centred on your precious little ones and your own thoughts and upkeep are put on the backburner, if ever, to be returned to. Now with very small children, daily dialogue does not consist of much other than small, deliberate words and broken sentences. This brings me to one important underlying fear, and that is the inability to once again, carry a thought provoking and intellectual adult conversation. Having said this, I have, in the past couple of months, taken some steps to prevent this. This has included reading books (at an alarming pace), the wonderful wide world of web and just plain old getting out and socializing (and enjoying a glass of wine or two). The road to getting where I want to be….enjoying the things I once loved to do (painting and sewing to name a few) will be slow, but I am a firm believer that the best and most constant things in life are acquired slowly. I look forward to the journey because something in my heart tells me that I will come out of this stronger and better than I have ever been….. a better woman, a better friend, a better daughter and sister, but most importantly, a better Mom.
