Come in, the door is open …

I sat for awhile thinking about what would be worthy to blog about and then I questionned why I even cared.  A blog should be random off-shoutings of the mind not premeditated; well, at least that is what I think it should be about.

This weekend was busy.  I was busy existing and again not living in the moment.  It really sucks.

Friday I scurried in and out of stores in search of a dress for S&M’s wedding which happened to be on the following day (saturday).  So yes, I am a procrastinator to the highest degree.  I secretly crave pressure and it is in that environment that I think I excel.  I narrowed my choices down to two … a cute bcbg number with wicked pumps to match and a french connection get up.  Now let me say here that I always find a way to rationalize my purchases as not desires but needs, but strangely so, logic reigned supreme for the first time in a long time.  Seeing that this would be my last wedding of the year, I could not justify or rationalize my way into buying a dress/pumps that I knew I wouldn’t wear again.  I made due with what I had and let’s be serious here, you can never go wrong with a simple, little black number … the staple to every woman’s wardrobe.  Great!  Now I can direct my monies to more warranted fall clothing purchases.

Saturday was the wedding and it was somewhat chaotic as I was chaperoned by lil’ miss C.  Getting her organized for feedings, an adequate nap and wardrobe changes was more than I bargained for, but we managed quite successfully and surprisingly with ease.  The wedding was beautiful and it stirred up a lot of “feel-good” in what lately has become a very cynical mind.  Maybe its a fleeting moment or just maybe its a feeling that will decide to stick around, but for now I will go with the flow and che sara, sara! (“what will be, will be” for all you non-eyetalians).  Cliche-ness aside, it was a good party.  I mean it always is when the lot of us get together for some drunken dancing escapades (chillax! Before you go Brittney Spears on my ass … i had a sitter for the evening).  What most of you should know is that I have remained friends with a really great bunch of twelve since kindergarten and this twelve has extended to twenty something as some of us have either sparked up a new boyfriend, have become engaged or have been long since married.  I feel very fortunate to be surrounded with such great friendships that are so rare, yet so true.  I will try to post some pics of the affair in the coming days.

Sunday was laissez faire!  I did as much of nothing as one can do when you have a child.  So it really isn’t doing nothing, but something, just not the normal day-to-day somethings.  Comprend?

So now I sit here in the wee hours of Tuesday morning feeling the urgency for change; shift in mind and heart.  To be honest, I’m tired of blogging about being lazy and uninspired and afraid and all the negative connotations that follow.  I want an open heart, a free mind and a carefree spirit and although I cannot wakeup tomorrow (later this morning) with a platter of all three to indulge in, I will wake up with a more conscious effort to accept them if they come knocking.  I want to believe in love again, I want to believe in myself and I want to believe in life in general.  Who knows maybe breathing in life with a new perspective will take me there.  Right now at this very moment, I desire to pick up a paint brush.  I haven’t done that in awhile.  Its a bit exciting actually.  That desire and excitement that flutters in your stomach … the newness.  Yes that’s what I hope will come knocking.

To The First Man I Have Ever Loved

My weekend has been by far a hectic one.

Friday I headed to Port Credit Memorial Park for the Mississauga Waterfront Festival to see my one and only MG.  Unfortunately due to a lightning storm (which I was lucky enough to be stuck in … oddly beautiful sight by the way), the concert was cancelled.  The venue was beautiful.  Being by the water beneath starlight hearing the very music that heals me was something I was looking forward to; however, I have another chance to experience this warmth at the end of August as I will be attending another MG show at the Jackson Triggs Estate Winery.  (oh and enjoying an infamous Jamie Kennedy dinner!)

Saturday I hosted a bbq lunch for RS’s birthday/Father’s Day.  The day’s fare included typical grill .. burgers (veggie and meat) and dogs along with salad, rice balls and potato wedges.  Plenty of beer and mixed vodka drinks were equally enjoyed.  The day was topped off with iced espresso granita and my signature mocha almond fudge ice cream cake.  Good times were had all around.  Later on in the evening, I kicked it with some old friends in whopville for DM’s 30th birthday.

Sunday morning I woke up with the sun at 6am (after turning in at 3am).  As exhausted as I was, I successfully made it to the bakery in time to secure THE warmest and freshest egg bread to make my stuffed french toast which was the “feature” item for my father’s day breakfast.  The menu read as follows: nutella and banana stuffed french toast, scrambled eggs and bacon, fresh strawberries, freshly squeezed juice (orange, pinapple and passion fruit) along with cafe latte.  All around goodness! Then it was off to Kleinburg Golf Club for a game of golf.  The day was smoldering but relaxing.  In the evening, with lil’ miss C in tow, I headed to LC’s 30th birthday pool party (but I didn’t last very long here…. sleep was calling me bad).

Needless to say, I’m cooked.  I have gone non stop all weekend long and today I did nothing but wallow the entire day.  Too tired and too stuffed to workout.  Tomorrow will be a new day altogether.  I will be back to the grind and off to the track.  I will be embarking on a new journey to find inner peace and happiness in my life.  Things have been topsy turvy for me lately and now I am ready to take the bull by the horns.  I will start on a “clean eating” regiment, a daily dose of exercise/yoga/pilates, meditation, reading, writing, baking and photography… and being the best darn mom eva!!!

For the real inspiration of this post … my daddy.

The first man to have had my heart.

No one has ever loved me or supported me like my dad.  He is the reason that I am the woman I am today.

He has taught me to love wholly and be honest with both myself and others.  He has taught me to respect equally and be true to my character.  Above all, he has taught me what it means to sacrifice for the ones you love and how family comes first.

Dad, today is father’s day, but know that I honour you in my heart every minute I breathe.  Thank you for loving me like no other.  You have always made me feel like the most important person in your world and I love you from the very depths of my heart.  I will always be your biggest fan.

Happy Father’s Day Daddy.  I love You.

From A far …

Today, for reasons I cannot explain, I am extremely annoyed. 

I have been plagued all day with mood swings that would make a pregnant woman appear meek.  This is by no means an insult to pregnant women, but having “been there”; we can, at times, get pretty emotionally charged and feeling slightly bipolar.

In a day alone, I have succumbed to feelings of doubt, emptiness, anger, indifference and just plain blaghhh…

As I sit here this evening and ponder what could have catalyzed these feelings, I can only deduct the following possibilities:

1. I have decided to not return to my position as the head of Credit and Collection for one of the city’s major Telecom companies.  For some background on this; I left the company for maternity leave fully anticipating a strong return.  However, since I gave birth to lil’ miss C, I have had the chance to reflect on what is truly important to me; and that is, raising her and the pursuit of my own happiness.  Perhaps, it is my own issues of separation anxiety that I must deal with, but I truly believe that in this monumental time of her development, I want to be there to both facilitate and witness it.  Part of me does not want to look back and wonder where the time went or regret not having spent the time to raise her.  She is growing by leaps and bounds and I dont want to miss a moment.  I guess the “finality” of my decision and the financial repercussions have me feeling doubtful.  I feel angry that I have to choose.  Why can’t I have the best of both worlds?  This brings me to another point entirely and that is the pursuit of my own happiness and my desire to do something that I am truly passionate about.  I am quite successful at what I do, but my heart and passion are for things that are a far cry from finance.  My background is in the Arts… anything art.  I am a trained Fashion Designer and I enjoy baking, painting, sewing and writing.  I have to take this leap and hope that it is a sign of something that I am destined to do …. a door of opportunity opening while another closes.  It is all of this that scares me and drives me to question whether I am doing “the right thing.” But then again, who knows what the “right thing” is or even if there is one right thing. 
2. Today marks the birthday of someone that is very dear to me.  For very unfortunate reasons that I do not fully understand, this friend is no longer a part of my life.  Perhaps it was my “mother hen” tendencies and wanting to “fix” him that made him go away, but nonetheless I hope that one day we can look back on this as only a blip or stumbling block in our friendship.  I still hold on to a hope that we can be a part of eachother’s lives again, but for now I have to settle with loving him from a far.  (If you happen to land here, Happy Birthday Eyes … I miss you.)

So in closing, my day has been quite tumultous.  I feel spent and emotionally drained.

For now, I will attempt to remove my mind from my head and my heart from my mind and sit back in silence with my Zen infused tea (greatest green tea ever from TAZO by the way!)

Hi my name is Tina, and I am a skeptic……

A few nights ago, I watched a “chick-flic”, if you will, (which is one of my secret hidden pleasures)… the movie starred Hilary Swank and Gerrard Butler titled “P.S. I Love You.”  Something in the movie got me thinking about the whole notion of “Love-at-first-sight.” 

Personally, my thought on this is simply, I don’t buy into it!  I believe that lust or attraction at first sight is deemed a more suitable caption.  Actually, I think that love-at-first-sight only rang true once in my life and that is when I first met eyes with Ernie (my best little guy….a shi poo mix).  I cannot fathom how one can fall in love with someone based on appearance alone…. that to me just sounds like a recipe for disaster.  Call me a skeptic, but I believe that love comes with time; where which in time, you truly learn the exact characteristics and idiosyncricies that you love or hate about a person. 

Now I come from an upbringing that was quite strict by most people’s standards (hec, I was raised in an Italian, Catholic home … what else would one expect) and so the idea of “living with your mate” was and very much still is the big TABOO (and especially if you are a female)! But now that I am out on my own as a mature adult woman, I feel that living with your partner first is of utmost importance.  Most often I hear about wonderlust newlyweds, only once settling in to married life and ”sharing quarters”, that they discover the true nature of their loved ones.   Only to later find themselves on counselling couches contemplating whether these idiosyncricies are ones they can live with.

However, all is not lost, I am actually quite the romantic.  I enjoy a glass of wine on dreary nights nestled on the couch, beautiful snow falls caught at the window from a rug in front of the fire, getting caught in the rain and dancing in it … the list goes on.

So yes, my truth be told, love-at-first-sight is a hollywood reality in my eyes, but a sincere love that grows with time …. a profound love that even time would lie still for…….yes that is kind of love, I believe in.