Conditions have taken a turn and are on a quick path to worse.
Thanksgiving was like no other (and not in a good way). Their absence at the table this year left me with a feeling of sadness and guilt.
I have been extremely busy working and being the greatest mom I can. So between baking, sewing and just plain old errands, my “off time” (which is not very much) is spent in nothingness.
I will try to post pics at some point this week.
Take care
Miserable is the only word I can muster up at this ripe time of 2:15 am.
I started a liver cleanse a couple of days ago, as suggested by my naturopath; not because I am a heavy drinker but just because “its good to flush the toxins out once in awhile.” Well I’m bitter because this drink tastes like shit. Pardon the french, but its ass-in-a-glass; or rather an exotic blend of herbs that I cannot begin to pronounce or spell for that matter. This hefty bottle thankfully for me holds 6 weeks worth of gag-shots all for the stellar price of $100. So essentially, I am required to down three teaspoons per day .. not much right? i know, but this is truly the grossest thing that I have ever tasted. I’ve tried to down the spoonful, suck it back with a straw and mix it with organic juice in a shot glass but all attempts have resulted in a relentless gag-fest. The diet that goes along with this cocktail is quite dramatic for my taste … get this: no wheat, no dairy, no eggs, no bananas, no tomatoes, no red meat and no coffee/pop/alcohol .. OH and no sugar. This is even more ridiculous as I read this. I’m hoping that this will be the start I need to get negativity out of me, literally, from the inside out. I’ll let you know how she goes.
On a more serious note, I continue to bear this sadness in my heart. My uncle is dying of cancer. Its progressing at a rapid pace and to see this happen before my eyes has impacted me in a way that I don’t know if I ever can recover from. Right now as I type this, he lies in a hospital bed with tubes in his nose to control the bleeding on a wait list to be sent to our greatest cancer treatment centre. There he will take a test that will pretty much determine whether treatment is even an option at this point. My family is very close and this heartache is mutually felt by all. There is not a moment that I dont think of him. The most random of things will remind me of him, his mannerisms, his jollyness and his laugh … a laugh that can be heard from across the universe and then I picture him with this illness and how it has eaten away his spirit and more so, his body. I cry. I cry not only because I cannot imagine life without him, but because I still cannot believe that it is happening. I pray that he finds peace … peace of mind, strength of spirit and a free heart. Miracles happen, I truly believe that and right about now I am praying for one.
This is about all I can manage for today.
I’d love to take something to help me fall asleep, but that would defeat the purpose of this yummy cleanse.
Here’s to hoping that you’re sleeping and that I will be joining you soon.
g’nite
I’m posting today not because I feel like it because truthfully I dont but I’m hoping it will help.
I tried to test drive the “look on the brighter side” mantra and it didn’t work for me. I think this is more than a funk but rather the onset of another episode of depression. Yay for me. I’m not sure as to how I get here and I obviously have no control of the matter, contrary to what some asswipes may believe. As if I would choose to feel/be this way?! I’m thinking I should make an appointment with my doc to check this shit out. She tried to put me on something(welbutrin) the last time and I refused … lets see what she’s got up her sleeve this time. There’s got to be some kind of test I can take?
For now, I will continue on my not so merry way.
Oh yes, the long weekend …
This weekend was a crazy mix of emotions. It’s funny how I can be laughing and happy-like one minute and then a raging, horn popping, yelling freak the next … pre-mental perhaps? or something more scientific???
Friday night we went to Jack Astors for dinner then drank wine and watched three hours of Jackass. I fell asleep at 2am only to wake up an hour later with the widest eyes you’ve ever seen. I figured I’d read and so I did until 6:30am … healthy? wait there’s more good stuff where this came from. (oh, I was reading Albom’s “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” and was hoping for a little chicken soup for the soul … more about this in a later post)
Saturday morning I woke up (secured a much needed latte) and on a complete whim decided to pack up lil’ miss C and head to Marineland. I dont remember ever having been as a child so I figured this would be something special to experience with her. And so it was. Her excitement at seeing the dolphins leap and twirl at ridiculous heights painted a perma-smile on her for the entire day. It was contagious in the most beautiful way.
And straight from the depression report … admission was $40 which if not for my daughter’s reaction would have been a huge flippin rip off, the killer whale show lasted for all of five minutes, not to mention, the huge downer to see these massive mammals swimming in what seemed to be a too-little-for-their-massiveness-like tank, Oh and we got caught in a torrential storm for twenty minutes. We then headed to Clifton Hills for some authentic wood burning oven pizza with our last stop being the Hershey Factory. (Note to self: limitless amounts of chocolate + pre-mental = NOT A GOOD IDEA) I had to fight the sugar crazies the whole way home.
Sunday was lax. Lil’ Miss C kicked around at our local splash pad for an hour, we had lunch, headed to Ikea (I’m looking for a table for my sewing machine …. one potential contender found) then it was laundry and a whole bunch of housework.
Monday I went to visit a relative that is extremely ill. Nothing could prepare me for the moment that I had dreaded for weeks now. Seeing him took my breath away in a way that sucked life from me. He no longer resembles the man that I once knew … the jolly, loving-life, jokester that exuded spark. The only way I can explain it is its as if someone shut the light. My heart breaks every time I think of him. I’m praying for a miracle, that somehow he can find the spark again to fight the odds. I dont want this image of him to be engraved in my mind, I want to remember how he was and I only hope that he will someday be again.
I’ve been dealing with a lot of “stuff” lately. As much as I’d like to think of myself as this tough chick, the truth is I’m a hugely emotional softy. I’m fighting my way back but it seems lately that I’m just sliding further down the rope.
One day at a time … that is about all I can take right now.
Here is some brightside:
There is nothing a little mint chocolate chip can't fix!
Or some unconditional "ernie-love"
I’m screaming sad …
Mad jam whilst listening to MG
Depression chaser
Everyone loves …
"I am de trainer of de dolphin"
Can you guess which is wax?
A real Italian knows her pizza!
the infamous Antica Pizzeria
the pearly gates
Chocoholics beware!!! temptation ahead
pre-mental survival kit must have!
And voila!
Its 1:56am … so wierd
mornin’
