I know I have been away from here for awhile but it was for good reason.
I struggled to get into the spirit of things this year and went through all the motions hoping it would spark some kind of warm feeling but it just wasn’t there … well at least not at the beginning. I spent many a nights baking, days meticulously wrapping gifts martha-stewart-esque, shopping fiendishly and blaring Christmas tunes on my laptop … but in the hustle and bustle of it all … something was missing … as obvious as a pink elephant in the room.
This past year has been quite tumultous for me. I have toiled with feelings and thoughts that seemed so strange and uncharacteristic. I have experienced many nights of anxiety, many months of depression and times of deepened sadness. For a better part of 2008, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I have been trying to deal with alot of changes in my environment and well, I just plain out could not “deal” for lack of a better word. Christmas crept up quickly and left even quicker. I felt like my tree was up and back in a box in a matter of 24hours.
I did however, try to put on a brave face for lil’ miss C and it went off without a hitch like any good mother could. Seeing her happiness and excitement for all things Christmas kind of made it all new for me (if that makes any sense) and it made bells go off inside me. I am blessed with the most amazing little girl and nothing can ever dampen that … I realize that my love for her and my desire to give her a wonderful life filled with happiness should serve as my motivation to start looking at life a little differently. And so my transformation began … It truly is amazing how much this little girl has changed my life and taught me life’s most important lessons. At the end of the day, nothing else matters to me but her. I want to feel better and be better because that is the type of mother and role model she deserves. I’m thankful for this lesson. I must say here that even in my worst of moments, she doesn’t really realize because I won’t let her see that side of me, but it is pretty critical that I get my life back in control before it gets to a point and she gets to an age that she starts to realize it.
Right in time for Christmas Day, I had a renewed and awakened sense of self.
Although, a terrible emptiness was present at the dinner table this year; we enjoyed a loving and warm family-infused holiday. I realized I was with the people that mattered to me and that I mattered to; family and friends that never let me down, that encourage and support me, and that appreciate me for the person that I am. I am eternally greatful for them.
Boxing week was spent in the company of good friends almost each night. Movie marathons, wii face-offs, spontaneous lunches, casual dinners and the occassional glass of wine (or two … or many)!
New Years Eve suddenly sprung and I found myself preparing a dinner for ten. An ambundance of food, friendship, music and good wine was exactly how we did it .. like any good Italian would. Midnight rolled around and we didn’t even feel it. I raised my glass knowing in my head that this year would be different … better. So yes, I chose to buy into the “new year, new beginnings” theory. And although my choice of words sound pessimistic, I intend them in a way that explains my deliberate effort to make a good go at 2009. In honor of this endeavour, I acted like the gazillion other new year’s resolutioners and bought an agenda ( a damn hot agenda too if that’s possible 
) And so on the first day of the New Year, I filled its pages with promises, commitments, projects and the whole gamut of things one pens. To be quite honest, somewhere inside of me, I got excited. Excited that I was going to make a serious attempt at turning this ship around.
One week in, lets say, I had doubts. But hell, not every day is going to be perfect. I am in this predicament because I put too many expectations on myself and it only makes me feel worse when something doesn’t realize. So I poured a glass of wine, turned on some music and collected my thoughts and I’m okay. For the first time in a long time … i’m okay; so i’m not off to such a bad start afterall.
p.s. Merry belated Christmas to all of you. I hope that this New Year brings you all sincere happiness, continued friendship, good health and prosperity. I have met some wonderful and inspiring people via the world wide web … and that is pretty rad!
et pour toi … a glimpse,
In true Santa style ... her wish for a doll house was realized!
skim milk and chocolate chip teddy grahams ... revolutionary!
a couture christmas of purple and lace
nothing says christmas like plaid and scantilly clad
