Tonight we dance …

I haven’t been out like this in awhile but there is huge reason to celebrate in my life right now.

Tattoo + 3 great girlfriends + music = good times

lets hope the pics do it justice

Full frontal Impact

I’m finally back to blogging after a rather fun-filled and somewhat tiresome weekend.

Friday night we TIFFed it.  The evening began with a trio consisting of family and friends enjoying a wine-laden dinner at Dimmi.  The place was packed.  Line-ups that wrapped around the building filled with bodies secretly praying for a Brad Pitt and George Clooney sighting.  Of course there were the flock of elderly women dressed in teenage girlicious clothing in hopes of luring these celebrity men from their ridiculously hot celebrity women (like come on, honestly, do you really think you stand a chance against Jolie?) and that’s always fun to gawk at.  After dinner we casually strolled the streets of yorkville, latte and cigarette in hand, just hanging out, listening to music and people watching.  The night was nice and lax but when the rain took over we called it a night.

Saturday I threw a yard sale in attempt to get rid of the enormous amount of “stuff” that I have amassed over the years … I’m talking clothing (tonnes of it), shoes, home decor, baby clothes, toys, wireless phones, old computer and laptop .. the list is endless.  Albeit a successful yardsale, it will be the LAST one I ever do.  I just cannot handle people who want to bargain on valuable, mint condition items.  I certainly would rather give them to someone in need of them for free than sell them to someone who wants to pay nothing for them.  This yard sale was never about making money, it was to simply serve as an easier means to ridding myself of a bulk of belongings that I would otherwise have to figure out how to dispose of.  In fact, the money made is going to be donated to charity and any remaining clothing items will go to a local shelter.  So the moral of the story is … I will never do a Yard sale again! Lesson learned … FINI!

The day, however, was capped off nicely with another night of TIFF.  I was sent some film gala tickets from a very kind family member who happens to be in the media industry.  The tickets were for a UK documentary called Blood Trail.  Although I went into the evening with less than high expectations for what I was about to view, I was suprisingly shocked.  The documentary was excellent and disturbing in so many ways.  The producers Richard Parry and Vaughan Smith, british journalists themselves, follow the life and career of amateur freelance photographer Robert King.  The film begins with King as a carefree twenty four year old in 1993 Bosnia with ambitions of snagging a Pulitzer for war photography.  He is followed from Sarajevo through to Chechnya and Iraq.  In his journey, we the audience, learn that you have to be a little “disturbed” to take on such a task.  Shooting from front lines he bares witness to dismembered bodies and cold blood killing in its most honest way.  I say honest in that his pictures don’t sugar-coat war, but rather they depict the realities of casualty; innocent civilians, young soldiers and death in the most gruesome way.  King ultimately goes on to make the cover of major mags including TIME, but he comes out of his journey a different man.  Like most soldiers, he becomes desensitized,

 ”yeah I’m cynical, how many dead bodies have I stepped over… I’m kind of damaged goods.” (King)

Setting apart emotions to achieve the task at hand.  And that he certainly does as he goes on to explain in the film,

“I didn’t want to mourn silently in my fucking room.” The allure of wine, women and war is an intoxicating, if self-destructive mix (King).

At the end of it all, he is a changed man through and through.  Loud sounds that go off startle him and images of war constantly play in his mind and so it is completely understandable when we see that he retreats to the woods to lose himself in the tranquility of nature.  However, it is here that we also learn that the motion of killing follows him because in this tranquility he hunts for deers. 

In the final scene of the documentary we are left to wonder about whether he continues to photograph war, chasing the epic picture and all its ugliness and the answer is yes, because despite the question of why he does it by those who surround him, he simply replies “its just a job.”

I cannot speak anymore about how great I thought the movie was.  I will admit that I was disturbed by the fact that casualties of war were exploited in some way by the pictures, but another part of me can appreciate the desire to bring the real essence of war to the forefront.  Yes our men are brave and fight for the freedoms of our country, but something that often gets missed, is the faces of the innocent people that die in this pursuit.

I seriously suggest you check out the documentary’s site at http://www.blinque.co.uk/bloodtrail/index.html

We were able to meet Richard Parry, Vaughan Smith and Robert King after the premiere and they were cool chaps!

Rounding off the weekend was a Sunday consisting of typical household errands; grocery, laundry, cleaning… yada yada yada

Back to monday … where one day bleeds into the next

Oh here are some pics of the get up I mustered up for TIFF day 2:

 

Its only up from here …

I’m back.

I’m a terrible blogger for having neglected you for this long, but sometimes its too difficult to deal with the day to day when you’re in a world of hurt.

Excuse the french but alot of shit has gone down in my life recently and blogging about it was just not something I was prepared to do.

But I can say that this downward spiral has taken a sudden shift … and what better way to mark this beginning but with a perfect ending to my summer.

This past Saturday I had the sheer pleasure of frolicking in the Jackson Triggs Vineyard, with pinot noir in hand (at all times throughout the day and night), love in my ear and a grin that you still can’t wipe from my face.

Here are some pics of what your friend has been up to …

Tina, the owner of this little sweet spot, was just a peach!

 

Anitpasto Pairing

 

X marks the spot

 

le chef

 

rekindled friendships

sound check

Where the day gets better

There is a final shot to this which marks the perfect ending however I’ll save it for another day when I need some “heart-lifting”

So friends ….

thanks for waiting for me to get back here! 

I hope you continue to stick around

Nothing compares …

to that very moment when they lay her in your arms and she looks at you, her world, for the first time

to the feeling of that warm ray spilling through the window and shining down on your face on an early dewy morning

to the pitter patter of his paws when you walk through the door after a hard day at work

to the latte and stale cigarette when you just need to get away

to the lyrics he writes that lend you hope when you feel you’ve had enough

to the way he comes in close and barely kisses you while holding your head in his hands

to the random orchid you wake up to find on your pillow “just because”

to those beautiful midnight drives blaring your favourite tunes when you need to escape

to that song on your ipod that makes your heart beat quicker and makes you run even faster

to that cozy winter night naked under a fur blanket watching your favourite movie with him

to that glass of pinot noir that helps you wind down in a candlelit bath

to those moments when you check your inbox and you see his message

to that moment when he looks in your eyes with a smile and recognizes you

to those crazy summer nights chatting on the veranda with good friends only to later realize that its 5a.m

to those words of encouragement and support that they give when you fail

to that hand you draw when I fall

These moments …

are like little pictures that remind me that nothing compares to you

not even a little

Come in, the door is open …

I sat for awhile thinking about what would be worthy to blog about and then I questionned why I even cared.  A blog should be random off-shoutings of the mind not premeditated; well, at least that is what I think it should be about.

This weekend was busy.  I was busy existing and again not living in the moment.  It really sucks.

Friday I scurried in and out of stores in search of a dress for S&M’s wedding which happened to be on the following day (saturday).  So yes, I am a procrastinator to the highest degree.  I secretly crave pressure and it is in that environment that I think I excel.  I narrowed my choices down to two … a cute bcbg number with wicked pumps to match and a french connection get up.  Now let me say here that I always find a way to rationalize my purchases as not desires but needs, but strangely so, logic reigned supreme for the first time in a long time.  Seeing that this would be my last wedding of the year, I could not justify or rationalize my way into buying a dress/pumps that I knew I wouldn’t wear again.  I made due with what I had and let’s be serious here, you can never go wrong with a simple, little black number … the staple to every woman’s wardrobe.  Great!  Now I can direct my monies to more warranted fall clothing purchases.

Saturday was the wedding and it was somewhat chaotic as I was chaperoned by lil’ miss C.  Getting her organized for feedings, an adequate nap and wardrobe changes was more than I bargained for, but we managed quite successfully and surprisingly with ease.  The wedding was beautiful and it stirred up a lot of “feel-good” in what lately has become a very cynical mind.  Maybe its a fleeting moment or just maybe its a feeling that will decide to stick around, but for now I will go with the flow and che sara, sara! (“what will be, will be” for all you non-eyetalians).  Cliche-ness aside, it was a good party.  I mean it always is when the lot of us get together for some drunken dancing escapades (chillax! Before you go Brittney Spears on my ass … i had a sitter for the evening).  What most of you should know is that I have remained friends with a really great bunch of twelve since kindergarten and this twelve has extended to twenty something as some of us have either sparked up a new boyfriend, have become engaged or have been long since married.  I feel very fortunate to be surrounded with such great friendships that are so rare, yet so true.  I will try to post some pics of the affair in the coming days.

Sunday was laissez faire!  I did as much of nothing as one can do when you have a child.  So it really isn’t doing nothing, but something, just not the normal day-to-day somethings.  Comprend?

So now I sit here in the wee hours of Tuesday morning feeling the urgency for change; shift in mind and heart.  To be honest, I’m tired of blogging about being lazy and uninspired and afraid and all the negative connotations that follow.  I want an open heart, a free mind and a carefree spirit and although I cannot wakeup tomorrow (later this morning) with a platter of all three to indulge in, I will wake up with a more conscious effort to accept them if they come knocking.  I want to believe in love again, I want to believe in myself and I want to believe in life in general.  Who knows maybe breathing in life with a new perspective will take me there.  Right now at this very moment, I desire to pick up a paint brush.  I haven’t done that in awhile.  Its a bit exciting actually.  That desire and excitement that flutters in your stomach … the newness.  Yes that’s what I hope will come knocking.

Goodbye Blue Monday

The clock just ticked to 1:56 AM and this is the fourth night of next-to-nothing sleep.  Maybe its the late night coffees or just maybe I’m on thinker overdrive.

Today I did sweet-fanny-atom!  As you can clearly read I’m lacking in the motivation department.

Its been a week since I’ve been at the gym and I’ve been eating house with several cups of coffee consumed per day.  This can’t be good!  My blase (yes relax … insert the aigu on the e … and insert middle finger while you’re at it! I cant figure it out alright!) mood is really played out already.  Its one of those things that you know you should change because you’re only going to keep bitching about it, but yet you are too flippin lazy to do anything about it. 

 So as promised I have included for you kiddies some photographs of my escapades and moods these past two weekends all of which included lunches, wine, dinners, wine, parties, baking, beach, sulking and feeling sorry for myself … oh and wine.

My new fave colour combo

I thought shopping would help the mood … the high was very temporary.  I was indecisive about the dress, but snagged the belt at a ridiculous good price.

Bad mood a la goth.

This was Time Wasting 101 at its finest.  I was bored and the gang was taking forever to get primped and dolled.  We had dinner this night at Yonge & Egg.

Can you see the self hate in my face?  Theres more of this below.

A failed attempt at trying to love me.

You know the whole saying about loving yourself first … horseradish, its blasphemous.  Even in my self loathing, there’s one person that I love more than the air that I breathe and that’s lil’ miss C.  Its not to say that I don’t recognize the need to love me, I just don’t think that I am ready for that kind of lovin.

Here are some random pics taken on the way to dinner.

Check out the mass of garbage that Toronto can produce in one sitting.  Impressed or what?

wtf? uh... heard of recycle much?

This sweet ride reminded me of Little Miss Sunshine.  I’d love to steal it, paint it white with pink and fuscia and sell cupcakes out of it.

cupcake mobile

 And how ingenious is this?  Selling the bastard’s clothes! brilliant.

The next day I went shopping again and found this gem.  I want the orange one for my pad.

One of my fave bloggers (www.raymitheminx.com) is going to rip into me for the hair, but I was way too LAZY to pimp it.  Loved this tank paired with the varsity cardi but couldn’t justify the dollar.  I will most probably change my mind and go back for them cuz that’s how I roll (usually).

We had lunch at Jack Astors and I, of course, caved and had the chicken fajitas and a pomegranite margarita slushy thingy… it was aiight.

This past Sunday I decided to get away and take the long awaited trip North to Tiny.  This is the view from my folks’ cottage.

Le Beach

This guy was serenading a couple on the beach.  They had a table set up with food and wine, but he sucked the bag big time …  god help him if this was the bastard’s attempt at a proposal.  A mariachi band would have been a sure in.

These two occupied prime sand castle building real estate.  Totally must have sucked back way too much vino cuz they were in this position for the entire three hours that we were there … ah, sweet drunk love.

All hope was not lost … we found another spot

Cast aways … well not really, its my brother and his girlfriend.

Token party shot from Anna’s dirty 30 at Ultra.

We were on the patio all night … gotta love the humid hair, hence the quick fix sorta up do.

Oh and straight from the desk of the insomniac cupcake whore …

Lest us not forget the two dozen cupcakes that I was commissioned to make for a bachelorette party.

corset cake

So there you have it.  Probably the longest post you’ll ever see here. 

A rambling of thoughts as you can plainly see which are perfectly in sync with my mood and thought patterns over the last two weeks.  With everything that’s been happening, it all feels like kind of a blur.  Going through the motions, but not really being present in mind.

This is all starting to frighten me as I feel myself slipping into that place that I so easily go to.  I wake up each day hoping that somehow this time will be different.  That just maybe I will realize in time to do something before it spirals.  We’ll soon see I guess.

Goodbye blue monday … until tomorrow.

Therapy

Okay so I’m back and no I didn’t go up North as I was uninterested in being present at a party with my thoughts… afterall, thats what got me into a rut in the first place!

I instead opted for retail therapy in the city all weekend long.

Friday night I enjoyed a dinner with our “Grazie” cugini.  Grazie, by the way, is an amazing little Italian resto at Yonge and Eglinton.  Amazing not because they are family but because their food is “amaaazing.”

It was a splendid night of carbs and wine but well worth the calories.  My ”cycle” thanked me later for the post dinner bloat.

Oh and one of MTV’s hostess’ dined next to us …. meh (not as sweet as she tries to look on camera)

After our fabulous carb dinner, off it was to see b-flick “Young People Fucking” with skinny latte in tow.  The movie was darling, funny and oddly realistic at times.  Great cast.  The best friend duo were hilarious but the threesome was even more so (although the least realistic of the plots).  Point here is that the movie was funny and I liked it.

Turned in on Friday at 3am … apparently i’m nocturnal

Saturday morning I woke with the birds at an alarming 6am.   Did some reading, showered, had breakfast then off it was to Queen Street with LS and AK (and her dog carli).  We shopped for SEVEN hours.  It was magical.  There is nothing more therapeutic than mindless (literally) shopping.  I came out with a wicked loot of finds which included: cute hair accessories, a green belt, and a navy dress.  Oh and we made an LCBO stop on the way home for some bottles of wine.

Got home, drank to drunk and fell asleep (again mindless). GREAT.  Just what I needed.

Sunday morning it was back to the city for more shopping, but this time we headed to Yonge and Dundas.  I came out with two pairs of very cute boots for the Fall and a precious 1920s cloche.  I’m super stoked to put a nifty outfit together for a night in the town.  I have many events coming up so hopefully I can post pics of what I can muster up!

Sunday night included more wine, reading and then lights out at 2am only to get a second wind an hour later…ughhh… so annoying

Today (Monday) I felt like shit all day.  I’m lazy, bored and up to my eyes in self loathing.  Lil’ miss C and I spent the day with my folks and it was nice and they were ecstatic to spend time with her but I felt like although I was present physically, mentally I was somewhere else altogether.  I am struck with these feelings again of not knowing who I really am at the core.  I know what I value, but I am unsure as to what I really want out of life.  I know I want to be happy but I dont know what will make me happy or how to get there for that matter.  I feel like I need change but I am lacking the will and motivation to bring these changes to fruition.  Some days I feel like I want to be married, other days I want to be single, some days I want to be a painter, other days I want to be a baker or a fashion designer.  I just wish I had direction. 

I think what I really feel is lost and there are not enough cute items in this world to purchase that are going to help me get to the root.  They may bandaid the issue for a short moment, but at the end of the day when I put my head on my pillow in the wee hours of the morning all I ever feel is LOST.

Maybe I need a cleanse? Maybe I just need to get away for a bit.  I don’t know …

I’ve got to do something though and fast because I dont want to waste another minute of my life on this inner battle shit!

Where have you been?

As promised, I present to you photo essay one! 

This is what I have been up to fellow blog readers.

Tattoo Rock Parlour with LS (Pre-Antic)

LS (Pre Antic)

She’s one of my greatest of friends.

Hanging with a zen tea at my favorite place, Chapters!

This was one of my four books purchased that day.  I love to collect random books on Interior Design, Fashion Design, Art, Poetry.  Kind of like a book whore really.  I’m all about a good coffee table collection.

Driving with the music really loud so that I can escape thought.  Its my thing.  A kind of refuge from all the chaos that plagues me that day, that week, that month or that year.

I thought I’d document my cold sore… threw it in for good measure.  Blarghhh.

New Earrings

Shopping for new earrings and had success much to my surprise!

We also went out for SD’s stagette.  One last hoorah before being bound to fidelity … hmm I should have warned her

AM Queen Pimp

Oh, we forced to wear these corny labels all night.  Did I mention we were at Marlowe.  A Friday night on the patio on the most humid and stickiest day of the year (WITH SMOKERS!) … yumm

Brandy in all her glory!

just call me Mabelline

Round one of Round Way-too-Many!

It got all bad from this point! yowzas

The Ladies of the Evening

This is prior to “last night single” drinkfest.

New O.P.I candy

Still shopping, but this time, nail candy in “Volunteer Cheer” or “I’m a cheerleader-come-fuck-me Red”

Umm yea… more shopping for my new favorite colour … “She wore lemon … “

The cupcake delivery (with my bad back … remember that night of kinky-sex… NOT)?

INDULGE

OH CANADA!  A failed attempt at dessert.  It tasted much more amazing than it looked.  Orgasm times a thousand!!!

Had the famiglia and friends over for a Canada Day grille!!

FUN with the flag!!

Cousin Vinny, passport picture?

mmmmmmm

Yes, it was THAT fuckin good!!!

Canada Day 2008 Mascott Qualifier

huh? who did this????

That’s it.  There you have it folks.

Sex Report …

Sunday night Lora, Sabrina and I gave in and finally went to see the much talked about and overhyped “Sex and the City, THE movie.”

Let me start by saying that I was not a regular viewer of the series, but did on occassion catch an episode here and there.  Now I am not a fan of drama, nor do I buy into the “fake” hollywood friendships that are propogated on the show, but I am a complete fashion whore and well … Carrie’s clothes the show appeals to the senses. 

I love fashion and everything about that fast paced world; the colour, the non-colour, the deadlines, the runway, the shoes and the list can go on for an eternity.  It is a world that excites me.  Having been in the industry myself, I can say that seeing my work strut down a long New York, Paris or Milan runway is a dream that I will forever aspire for.  This of course would be accompanied by inhabiting the most awe inspiring home/studio loft.  The point I’m trying to make here is that the movie stirred up all those feelings in me once again.  I have been away from that world for a little over three years and something Sunday night rekindled in me.

Going back to the movie …

So out of the theatre we come, almost three hours later and much to my surprise, I liked it!  I laughed, I cried, I wondered, I yearned and I understood.  I understood that friendships are not really like that.  I am sure that a closeness between friends is not unheard of as I am fortunate enough to share closeness in my own circle, but the extreme measures that these fab four go to to be there for one another, I think, is a little “Hollywood.”  Call me cynical, but girls will be girls and at some point or another the green envy monster debuts.  Life happens and its not always that easy to drop everything on a dime to run to a  crying friend (especially one that may have very well ruined your would-have-been-fabulous wedding).  Don’t get me wrong here, I would do anything for my bestest of friends, but its just not always that easy.   Furthermore, the fact that everyone gets their happy ending is both dumb and predictable.  The final wedding to Big was even more assinine and completely unnecessary.  The realization that Carrie and Big came to was that they didn’t need to be officially married to be happy, but they did it anyway! argghhh… Needless to say, I hated the ending.  I guess I’d be foolish to expect anything else, it is afterall, Hollywood … the land of perfection. 

Ultimately, what came out of this in the end for me was a moment of self-actualization.  What is funny is that the greatest lessons for me were learned from Samantha and Miranda; the two least perfect of the four.  I took away that it is so easy to stay on a path that feels comfortable and safe; but I feel that this is a path that leads to a slow and inevitable death as it is here that we lose a sense of who we are as individuals.  Remaining in a situation that no longer challenges the heart, mind and body does injustice to all those involved.   As cliche as it sounds, life is short and we have one stab at it.  There is no chance to go back and do it all over again.   We need to live and take risks and aspire for all those things that may not be achievable … but in that chase, “we live.”

Lastly, forgiveness.  A concept that I struggle with in my own life.  I often find myself so quick to hold a grudge against someone that has faulted me.  For most of these situations I am able to forget, but to forgive is something different altogether.  You see, I do not think I could have forgiven Steve like Miranda did.  But then I realized that we all make mistakes.  We are beautifully flawed by nature.  It is what we learn and how we act after those mistakes that is a true test of character.  I hope to have a more open heart after this. 

 Anyhow, who would have seen this coming? Hmmph. I’m amazed myself.

Go out and see it, you may be as surprised as I was!

To The First Man I Have Ever Loved

My weekend has been by far a hectic one.

Friday I headed to Port Credit Memorial Park for the Mississauga Waterfront Festival to see my one and only MG.  Unfortunately due to a lightning storm (which I was lucky enough to be stuck in … oddly beautiful sight by the way), the concert was cancelled.  The venue was beautiful.  Being by the water beneath starlight hearing the very music that heals me was something I was looking forward to; however, I have another chance to experience this warmth at the end of August as I will be attending another MG show at the Jackson Triggs Estate Winery.  (oh and enjoying an infamous Jamie Kennedy dinner!)

Saturday I hosted a bbq lunch for RS’s birthday/Father’s Day.  The day’s fare included typical grill .. burgers (veggie and meat) and dogs along with salad, rice balls and potato wedges.  Plenty of beer and mixed vodka drinks were equally enjoyed.  The day was topped off with iced espresso granita and my signature mocha almond fudge ice cream cake.  Good times were had all around.  Later on in the evening, I kicked it with some old friends in whopville for DM’s 30th birthday.

Sunday morning I woke up with the sun at 6am (after turning in at 3am).  As exhausted as I was, I successfully made it to the bakery in time to secure THE warmest and freshest egg bread to make my stuffed french toast which was the “feature” item for my father’s day breakfast.  The menu read as follows: nutella and banana stuffed french toast, scrambled eggs and bacon, fresh strawberries, freshly squeezed juice (orange, pinapple and passion fruit) along with cafe latte.  All around goodness! Then it was off to Kleinburg Golf Club for a game of golf.  The day was smoldering but relaxing.  In the evening, with lil’ miss C in tow, I headed to LC’s 30th birthday pool party (but I didn’t last very long here…. sleep was calling me bad).

Needless to say, I’m cooked.  I have gone non stop all weekend long and today I did nothing but wallow the entire day.  Too tired and too stuffed to workout.  Tomorrow will be a new day altogether.  I will be back to the grind and off to the track.  I will be embarking on a new journey to find inner peace and happiness in my life.  Things have been topsy turvy for me lately and now I am ready to take the bull by the horns.  I will start on a “clean eating” regiment, a daily dose of exercise/yoga/pilates, meditation, reading, writing, baking and photography… and being the best darn mom eva!!!

For the real inspiration of this post … my daddy.

The first man to have had my heart.

No one has ever loved me or supported me like my dad.  He is the reason that I am the woman I am today.

He has taught me to love wholly and be honest with both myself and others.  He has taught me to respect equally and be true to my character.  Above all, he has taught me what it means to sacrifice for the ones you love and how family comes first.

Dad, today is father’s day, but know that I honour you in my heart every minute I breathe.  Thank you for loving me like no other.  You have always made me feel like the most important person in your world and I love you from the very depths of my heart.  I will always be your biggest fan.

Happy Father’s Day Daddy.  I love You.