The Truest Blue …

I’m posting today not because I feel like it because truthfully I dont but I’m hoping it will help.

I tried to test drive the “look on the brighter side” mantra and it didn’t work for me.  I think this is more than a funk but rather the onset of another episode of depression.  Yay for me.  I’m not sure as to how I get here and I obviously have no control of the matter, contrary to what some asswipes may believe.  As if I would choose to feel/be this way?!   I’m thinking I should make an appointment with my doc to check this shit out.  She tried to put me on something(welbutrin) the last time and I refused … lets see what she’s got up her sleeve this time.  There’s got to be some kind of test I can take? 

For now, I will continue on my not so merry way. 

Oh yes, the long weekend …

This weekend was a crazy mix of emotions.  It’s funny how I can be laughing and happy-like one minute and then a raging, horn popping, yelling freak the next … pre-mental perhaps? or something more scientific???

Friday night we went to Jack Astors for dinner then drank wine and watched three hours of Jackass.  I fell asleep at 2am only to wake up an hour later with the widest eyes you’ve ever seen.  I figured I’d read and so I did until 6:30am … healthy? wait there’s more good stuff where this came from. (oh, I was reading Albom’s “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” and was hoping for a little chicken soup for the soul … more about this in a later post)

Saturday morning I woke up (secured a much needed latte) and on a complete whim decided to pack up lil’ miss C and head to Marineland.  I dont remember ever having been as a child so I figured this would be something special to experience with her.  And so it was.  Her excitement at seeing the dolphins leap and twirl at ridiculous heights painted a perma-smile on her for the entire day.  It was contagious in the most beautiful way. 

And straight from the depression report … admission was $40 which if not for my daughter’s reaction would have been a huge flippin rip off, the killer whale show lasted for all of five minutes, not to mention, the huge downer to see these massive mammals swimming in what seemed to be a too-little-for-their-massiveness-like tank, Oh and we got caught in a torrential storm for twenty minutes.  We then headed to Clifton Hills for some authentic wood burning oven pizza with our last stop being the Hershey Factory.  (Note to self: limitless amounts of chocolate + pre-mental = NOT A GOOD IDEA)  I had to fight the sugar crazies the whole way home.

Sunday was lax.  Lil’ Miss C kicked around at our local splash pad for an hour, we had lunch, headed to Ikea (I’m looking for a table for my sewing machine …. one potential contender found) then it was laundry and a whole bunch of housework.

Monday I went to visit a relative that is extremely ill.  Nothing could prepare me for the moment that I had dreaded for weeks now.  Seeing him took my breath away in a way that sucked life from me.  He no longer resembles the man that I once knew … the jolly, loving-life, jokester that exuded spark.  The only way I can explain it is its as if someone shut the light.  My heart breaks every time I think of him.  I’m praying for a miracle, that somehow he can find the spark again to fight the odds.  I dont want this image of him to be engraved in my mind, I want to remember how he was and I only hope that he will someday be again.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of “stuff” lately.  As much as I’d like to think of myself as this tough chick, the truth is I’m a hugely emotional softy.  I’m fighting my way back but it seems lately that I’m just sliding further down the rope.

One day at a time … that is about all I can take right now.

Here is some brightside:

There is nothing a little mint chocolate chip can't fix!

 

Or some unconditional "ernie-love"

I’m screaming sad …

Mad jam whilst listening to MG

Depression chaser

Everyone loves …

"I am de trainer of de dolphin"

 

Can you guess which is wax?

 

 A real Italian knows her pizza!

the infamous Antica Pizzeria

 

the pearly gates

Chocoholics beware!!!  temptation ahead

pre-mental survival kit must have!

 And voila!

Its 1:56am … so wierd

mornin’

Pity

I often kick myself for things that I should have done, moments where I should have reacted, things I should have said … but what good is this really.  Hindsight is 20/20 and that’s the way it has to be because if it wasn’t then I wouldnt be having this string of thought to begin with.

I have had the fortune/misfortunate depending on how you look at it of having someone come into my world recently and turning it inside out forcing me to take a deep gander into what is my life.  I find myself questionning what the hell I want and to be quite honest, I don’t have a clue.  I mean, I think I know what I want, but it changes from week to week.  I thought the self discovery bullshit would have been done by now but truthfully, I don’t think I’ve nearly come close to beginning. 

For most of my life I have always done what has been expected of me, and I have put everyone else’s feeling and problems before my own.  It has led me down a path of mediocrity and yes, my life hasn’t sucked by any means, but it has not lived up to its fullest potential.  I’m no longer happy to just be.  To simply exist is not to live.  Why am I so damned scared to live?  I shy away from risk for fear of failure, but isn’t it that leap of faith, that chance that we take regardless of the outcome, where we learn and grow in the most profound way.  And why am I programmed to do and act on the things that I feel are “the right thing to do”?  I, for once, want to be reckless and do without thinking or taking into account how people will be affected by my actions or decisions and this is not to say that I want to deliberately hurt the ones I care about, but rather a desire to live carefree if only for a short while.  I want to once again wake up with the tenacity and lust for life I once had.  The days of being naive and feeling invincible.  Those are the days I long to feel once again.  The days where stupid mistakes are chalked up as young innocent discovery phases.  Phases … got to love that word.  It was like a get out of jail free card.  “She pierced her tongue Mary, its just a phase she’s going through.” (my dad discussing my new accessory back in 1997) 

I’m 30, I have a home of my own, and I am a mother to the most precious little girl ever … BUT, I want a new phase … something to make me feel alive again, something that’s going to put a skip in my step and make my heart race a little faster.  There isn’t anything wrong with that, right?

A letter to whoever …

For so long you were someone on the other end of the world

Someone unattainable

Someone I could only hear but could never really touch

Until now

In my world you came with only a few short words

And no punctuation

Forthright and to the point

Dangling the very thing you know I wanted

Only I bailed because I was scared

Scared to face me from the inside out

Scared to learn what I could be and do so easily

Some days I feel like a monster

But on other days, I only crave it more

Its all I think about

All I dream about

All that I regret

For doing and not doing

Saying and not saying

And so here you leave me with my world turned inside out

For me to pick up the pieces and make sense of it all

You’ll never really know me

Or how you changed me

Or how much I care about you

Because you’re just another one of them

Who leave me with nothing but a pile

Just because I didn’t jump

What a shame

Such a shame

An affection so pure

An admiration so great

And you won’t ever get to know it

Because you have your head stuck up your ass

What a pity.

p.s. what is it about 1:56 a.m.?

Goodbye Blue Monday

The clock just ticked to 1:56 AM and this is the fourth night of next-to-nothing sleep.  Maybe its the late night coffees or just maybe I’m on thinker overdrive.

Today I did sweet-fanny-atom!  As you can clearly read I’m lacking in the motivation department.

Its been a week since I’ve been at the gym and I’ve been eating house with several cups of coffee consumed per day.  This can’t be good!  My blase (yes relax … insert the aigu on the e … and insert middle finger while you’re at it! I cant figure it out alright!) mood is really played out already.  Its one of those things that you know you should change because you’re only going to keep bitching about it, but yet you are too flippin lazy to do anything about it. 

 So as promised I have included for you kiddies some photographs of my escapades and moods these past two weekends all of which included lunches, wine, dinners, wine, parties, baking, beach, sulking and feeling sorry for myself … oh and wine.

My new fave colour combo

I thought shopping would help the mood … the high was very temporary.  I was indecisive about the dress, but snagged the belt at a ridiculous good price.

Bad mood a la goth.

This was Time Wasting 101 at its finest.  I was bored and the gang was taking forever to get primped and dolled.  We had dinner this night at Yonge & Egg.

Can you see the self hate in my face?  Theres more of this below.

A failed attempt at trying to love me.

You know the whole saying about loving yourself first … horseradish, its blasphemous.  Even in my self loathing, there’s one person that I love more than the air that I breathe and that’s lil’ miss C.  Its not to say that I don’t recognize the need to love me, I just don’t think that I am ready for that kind of lovin.

Here are some random pics taken on the way to dinner.

Check out the mass of garbage that Toronto can produce in one sitting.  Impressed or what?

wtf? uh... heard of recycle much?

This sweet ride reminded me of Little Miss Sunshine.  I’d love to steal it, paint it white with pink and fuscia and sell cupcakes out of it.

cupcake mobile

 And how ingenious is this?  Selling the bastard’s clothes! brilliant.

The next day I went shopping again and found this gem.  I want the orange one for my pad.

One of my fave bloggers (www.raymitheminx.com) is going to rip into me for the hair, but I was way too LAZY to pimp it.  Loved this tank paired with the varsity cardi but couldn’t justify the dollar.  I will most probably change my mind and go back for them cuz that’s how I roll (usually).

We had lunch at Jack Astors and I, of course, caved and had the chicken fajitas and a pomegranite margarita slushy thingy… it was aiight.

This past Sunday I decided to get away and take the long awaited trip North to Tiny.  This is the view from my folks’ cottage.

Le Beach

This guy was serenading a couple on the beach.  They had a table set up with food and wine, but he sucked the bag big time …  god help him if this was the bastard’s attempt at a proposal.  A mariachi band would have been a sure in.

These two occupied prime sand castle building real estate.  Totally must have sucked back way too much vino cuz they were in this position for the entire three hours that we were there … ah, sweet drunk love.

All hope was not lost … we found another spot

Cast aways … well not really, its my brother and his girlfriend.

Token party shot from Anna’s dirty 30 at Ultra.

We were on the patio all night … gotta love the humid hair, hence the quick fix sorta up do.

Oh and straight from the desk of the insomniac cupcake whore …

Lest us not forget the two dozen cupcakes that I was commissioned to make for a bachelorette party.

corset cake

So there you have it.  Probably the longest post you’ll ever see here. 

A rambling of thoughts as you can plainly see which are perfectly in sync with my mood and thought patterns over the last two weeks.  With everything that’s been happening, it all feels like kind of a blur.  Going through the motions, but not really being present in mind.

This is all starting to frighten me as I feel myself slipping into that place that I so easily go to.  I wake up each day hoping that somehow this time will be different.  That just maybe I will realize in time to do something before it spirals.  We’ll soon see I guess.

Goodbye blue monday … until tomorrow.