I find myself in life’s biggest predicament.  A fork in my road that I never in a million years anticipated.  I’m not prepared for it, either way.  Lately, I find myself going through the motions but with an empty soul.  Something is gone, I fear that its beyond repair.  I hope its just something that I’m going through.  Fucking phases, it seems I go through my fair share.   But its not just about me this time and that is what makes this so difficult.  I’m fucking tired of people that are quick to tell me how life is short and to do what I need to do to be happy, but its just not that easy.  There are other lives involved and at stake.  Sometimes we need to sacrifice for the ones we love even if it comes at our own expense.  What is so fucking wrong with that?  Its so frustrating.  Sure, why the hell would I not want to be happy but life isn’t that simple.  I’ve already written off the “follow your gut” method because it seems that my gut has a tendency to lead me astray.  I’m a horrible decision maker so with those two hits against me, I’m pretty fucking screwed.  I’m trying to take this one day at a time… you know..one foot in front of the other, but its hard not to feel like I keep coming up against a brick wall.  This is all affecting me emotionally, spiritually and physically.  I feel helpless.  I haven’t felt this way in a long time.  I’m stuck.

Really. Fucking. Stuck.

So this is what’s been keeping me from here.  Writing it all down, makes me feel it all over again, and I’m just trying to forget it. But you don’t forget these “things,” its like a pink elephant in the room that you can’t help but notice.  This ain’t going away anytime soon.   Sure there is counseling.  I get that one often, but really why the fuck should I pay someone a ridiculous amount of money to sit there and try to tell me how I should feel.  How does one change how they feel without having come to their own realizations?  I need to get there on my own.  Somehow.  But I do know that I MUST get there.  I can’t take another day.

And to think I was making progress…. but three steps forward has put me ten steps back.

Universe 1: Tina 0

Really fucking super!

Go team!!

I know.

I haven’t been here in awhile.

Truth is I don’t know where I am.

Things are fuckin’ rough.  Shit seems to come rolling right back in.

This month has been horrible; hell the whole year has been shit.

Lil’ miss C ended up needing a cast, and a nasty flu soon followed.  That’s where we last left off, right?

I’m in a shitty spot, more about that later.

Right now, I’m trying to break up with Halloween…..I HATE HALLOWEEN! meh

These next few weeks are going to be chaotic as I’m trying to plan a very kick ass pirate party for the special three year old in my life.

I’ll try to keep you in the loop.

Tis’ all I got for ya….

There is something about cold rainy nights that make me want to have crazy sex against hotel windows.

Rain is magical.

Pure fucking magical.

I have nothing of great interest to spill here tonight.

So, some fluff pour toi!

My weekend went something like this:

Friday was a really long day at the office and marked the close of a hellish week at work.  Without a solid sleep for over two weeks accompanied by this damp, cold, rainy November-like weather, I was pretty hell bent on spending the night in with a book and a very grande latte.  However, after having received what seemed like a tenth call from my mother inviting me over for dinner, I caved.  I’ve been pretty emotional this past month so I felt that some time with the fam would actually do me swell.  I was longing for comfort and a sense of security; a desire to be in a place where I could just shut down and not have to think. So off I went.

At a moment in the evening, I sat there quietly taking it all in.

A table adorned with an assortment of cheeses, olives and fine wine; mother fiddling with a bottle of hot oil for garnish while yelling at pops to ensure he doesn’t burn the pizza; a double oven filled with thin crusted pizzas toppedd with bufalo mozarella, olives, thinly sliced potato and homemade proscuitto; my brother aggressively typing away at his laptop tuning in once in awhile to toss in his two cents; one voice talking louder over the other.  I stopped and smiled to myself … it was home and it still felt like it; just as if I never left.

After a great meal, a bottle of wine and a competitive game of scrabble, I called it a night.  Of course, not a night which ended in actual decent sleep but one where I finally turned in at 4:47 a.m. (great fun)

Saturday, all zombie like (from lack of sleep), I scoured the city on a mission for Miss C’s big girl bed.  King Street, Avenue, Queen, Ossington… I hit them all.  Fueled only by coffee, I successfully sourced a bed, a dresser, night table, pendant lamp, rug, chair and linens.  I must say this little girl is gonna have one hell of a room.  Seeing as though this was gonna put a very large dent in my account, I decided on adult furniture that she could grow with for a while.  In effort to simulate an ethereal haven, the colour palette I’m leaning toward is white, grey and cream with pops of fuscia. lavender and chartreuse.  Anyway, here are images of some of my picks so far:

(not sure what’s up with the mish mash of pics???)

You get the idea yes?

Obviously I could not accomplish said task with success avec spunky three year old in tow, so lil’ Miss C stayed with her grandparents.  All was dandy until I got a call notifying me of an accident.  Miss C had fallen off a chair and landed with her weight on her wrist.  She was crying for a solid twenty so I dropped and made a mad b-line for home.  Of course, the paranoiac that I am, I immediately thought to rush her to Sick Kids for an xray but there was something about the idea of an overcrowded wait room with “sick” germs floating everywhere that didn’t seem like a good solution.  I called Telehealth and they instructed me to give her tylenol and apply a cold compress to the area.  Great.  Now I have an injured, irritated and cranky three year old that won’t stop crying.  I held her the entire evening trying to comfort her the best way I could.

This morning I woke up (well I never really slept to begin with…super fab!) hoping that today would be a better day.  Not so.  I ran around town trying to collect all things Halloween to put into loot bags for Miss C’s fellow comrades.  Apparently candy is not permitted to be given out due to nut allergy precautions.  What? No candy? Sacrileges!  Alright, I dealt with it…. moving along.

I went on to sourcing pirate paraphernalia for miss C’s upcoming third birthday.  Yes you read that correctly, she wants a pirate party.  She’s obsessed with this shit.  I ransacked Michaels Art Store and Party Packagers for swords, hooks, hats, flags… you name it.  Anyway, I’m adding my own girly twist to the theme so it should be super cool.  However, I certainly have my work cut out for me this month.

I ended the day with some shopping for myself in hopes of a pick-me-up.  My loot went something like this: Ole Henricksen Cleanser, OPI Dark Room Nail Lacquer, Two pairs of pants, a stone washed denim looking spandex skirt (tres 80s), a blue shirt, a vest, a sequenced vest, a sweater/fur vest, a pencil skirt and a peach long sleeved T……. I also consumed three tall lattes.  Got home from todays adventure, in the rain I might add, only to learn that Miss C is not really using her right (injured) arm. Something is surely up…. uggghhhh

Tomorrow, wait its 2:36am …. Today will go something like this: don’t bother going to sleep, continue to search for fluff on web, go to gym, take Miss C to pediatrician, go into office to grab some things, work from home….. blah blah blah

Moral of the story: I’m fuckin’ tired.

Its one of those nights tonight …

Where you are all I can think about.

Do you think about me?

Do I cross your mind at all?

A soft fingertip down your back,

A trace of your lips,

A slight breath in your ear,

Does any of this remind you of me?

Because all I can think about is the afterglow of that night

I know I said I wouldn’t ………

but I do

Ugghhhh…

I have had a migraine powered by Satan all day long!

It hurts too much to keep my eyes open, let alone keep my head upright.

My neck, shoulders and back feel twisted right up to my brain.

Perhaps a reflection of my insides? my thoughts? my anguish?

These past three weeks have fuckin’ sucked it the worst possible way.

To be completely honest, i’m interrupted … very interrupted.

Decisions, decisions … the ultimate tug of war between heart and head.

Just thinking about it makes everything hurt all the more…

In completely unrelated news, its Ernie’s 7th birthday today.  Ernie is my best bud pup, a shitzu-poodle mix and I’m wishing him the very best of doggy days today.

Lovin you always Erns! xoxoxo

There I sit ….

THERE I SIT

Pleading for answers like a whore

Menthol slim and tazo green in hand

Bundled for protection from her crisp night breath

She gallops through the trees cutting through each blade of grass with speed and elegance

Whispering truth with each pass

how could it be?

and The moon…

she hides behind a sheet of jet

so as not to have to look at me and lie

Just say it …. JUST FUCKING SAY IT ALREADY

I sit there motionless, a lady in waiting

Wondering ….. Feeling

For one slight moment

That maybe

Just maybe

I’m supposed to be

elsewhere.

Somewhere else

With someone else

Doing something else

Could she be right?

…. and the heart….

The Heart

She grows heavy

I can’t hold her much longer

How do I tell her that her gig is up?

Today marks your 52nd birthday, so I dedicate this post to you mom!

There is nothing in this world like a mother’s love and I have been blessed enough to learn this three years ago when I gave birth to my very own ray of sunshine.  In this time, I have learned the joys and hardships of being a parent and have this new-found respect for the role.  There really is no other love like this, in fact, its the only love I know.

Mom, you are my pillar of strength.  In the face of hardship, you use courage, logic and realism to rise up and step up to anything.  You sacrifice endlessly for the well-being of your children, always putting forth our best interests before your own.  You live and love selflessly and you are one classy woman.

If I can be fortunate enough to be a quarter of the type of mom and wife you are, I will consider myself lucky.

Its hard for me to put into words how much you mean to me.  Our road together has never been an easy one.  We continue to clash heads a lot, but it only means that I’m just like you mom …. strong, opinionated and perseverant; and that ain’t a bad thing!

I know I don’t say it enough, but I love you and I hope this day for you is one where you are reminded of just how much you mean to us.

Happy Birthday … I raise my glass to you today Mom.

xo

t.

Dear Dipshit,

This week, I was all nostalgic of our encounters.

Escaping into the night for secret rendezvous’, scantilly clad and smelling of the tropics.

Our skin touching, reaching levels of greatness on the pleasure scale.

I know you enjoyed it as much as I did …. your groans, mouth and horse told me so.

You enjoyed it so much that you invited me for round two.

Then tonight the great wonders that is the world wide web whispered to me and a revelation fell upon me like a great big brick.

You are one lying sack of shit.

You fucked up such a wonderful memory and any other chance of serendipity.

Its not about feelings, or strings because there are none.

Its about truth and genuineness.

I gave mine to you.

You fed me this great big sob story and I, although a willing participant, bought into your hard sell.

So congrats to you all-star.

Maybe in your wonderful life of pharmaceuticals, vulgarity and emptiness its all sparkles, rainbows and gum drops but guess what….

you sleep with a horse with semblance of a tranny that cleverly can shit a dictionary from her mouth… what a catch!

I’ve got something good here and I was too stupid to see it before so in a way, consider this a thank you letter.

I’ve got heart and compassion, I can love and be passionate ….. and I can use my hands really fucking well.

What a shame.

Such a fool…. such a fucking fool I am.

Peace Motherfucker.

Where do I even begin….

I have been absent from here for quite some time and in this time I didn’t think anyone would realize I was missing to be quite honest.  To my surprise many of you emailed me to see if I was alright and encouraging me to get back to writing.  I was touched, especially since I really didn’t think much of this blog and I still don’t to some degree but this past year has been a crazy one and well my thoughts and feelings proved to be more than I could swallow……… so I’m choosing to spit it all out on here for a second run.

I’m not the greatest of writers …. hell, I often struggle to pen a sentence.  My mind is always in overdrive and my words never come out how I intend them to, but I have decided to remove that pressure and just lay it down… in the raw… like a stream of consciousness if you will.

This past year has been filled with a lot of loss, heartache, confusion and self hate…… a big fucking barrel of joy really, but  these very feelings served to fuel me physically.  I have been working hard to train my body in attempts of fixing myself from the outside in.  Backward? Maybe, but I’m getting there.  It has kind of been my escape and while I am far from fixing a lot of the “wrong” in my life, it at least has me on the path of “better.”

I will spare you the details of this past year’s existence and will attempt to leave you on a lighter note…. FALL!

My favorite season of the year.  I love everything about it…

Crisp air

Changing leaves

Mugs of tea

Cuddling

Chunky cozy cable knits

Fur blankets in front of a fire

Steamy nights

Novels

Leg warmers

Painting/sketching in my studio

Warm apple pies

Boots

Dog walks

New seasons on the telly

Movie nights

…. you get the idea here, yes?

Tonight is my first of the series, a quiet night in.  Crisp outside but the home is cozy.  Dimly lit room.  Sketching in my studio.  Some ol’ U2 classics playin off my MAC. Wearin’ my specs and a men’s shirt.  My desk accessorized with Pantone markers, a sketch pad, a glass of pinot noir and a burning menthol slim.

Its goin’ to be a great season kids!

Thanks for getting my back here.

t.