I find myself in life’s biggest predicament. A fork in my road that I never in a million years anticipated. I’m not prepared for it, either way. Lately, I find myself going through the motions but with an empty soul. Something is gone, I fear that its beyond repair. I hope its just something that I’m going through. Fucking phases, it seems I go through my fair share. But its not just about me this time and that is what makes this so difficult. I’m fucking tired of people that are quick to tell me how life is short and to do what I need to do to be happy, but its just not that easy. There are other lives involved and at stake. Sometimes we need to sacrifice for the ones we love even if it comes at our own expense. What is so fucking wrong with that? Its so frustrating. Sure, why the hell would I not want to be happy but life isn’t that simple. I’ve already written off the “follow your gut” method because it seems that my gut has a tendency to lead me astray. I’m a horrible decision maker so with those two hits against me, I’m pretty fucking screwed. I’m trying to take this one day at a time… you know..one foot in front of the other, but its hard not to feel like I keep coming up against a brick wall. This is all affecting me emotionally, spiritually and physically. I feel helpless. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I’m stuck.
Really. Fucking. Stuck.
So this is what’s been keeping me from here. Writing it all down, makes me feel it all over again, and I’m just trying to forget it. But you don’t forget these “things,” its like a pink elephant in the room that you can’t help but notice. This ain’t going away anytime soon. Sure there is counseling. I get that one often, but really why the fuck should I pay someone a ridiculous amount of money to sit there and try to tell me how I should feel. How does one change how they feel without having come to their own realizations? I need to get there on my own. Somehow. But I do know that I MUST get there. I can’t take another day.
And to think I was making progress…. but three steps forward has put me ten steps back.
Universe 1: Tina 0
Really fucking super!
Go team!!
