Anywhere

There I sit ….

THERE I SIT

Pleading for answers like a whore

Menthol slim and tazo green in hand

Bundled for protection from her crisp night breath

She gallops through the trees cutting through each blade of grass with speed and elegance

Whispering truth with each pass

how could it be?

and The moon…

she hides behind a sheet of jet

so as not to have to look at me and lie

Just say it …. JUST FUCKING SAY IT ALREADY

I sit there motionless, a lady in waiting

Wondering ….. Feeling

For one slight moment

That maybe

Just maybe

I’m supposed to be

elsewhere.

Somewhere else

With someone else

Doing something else

Could she be right?

…. and the heart….

The Heart

She grows heavy

I can’t hold her much longer

How do I tell her that her gig is up?

Mama …

Today marks your 52nd birthday, so I dedicate this post to you mom!

There is nothing in this world like a mother’s love and I have been blessed enough to learn this three years ago when I gave birth to my very own ray of sunshine.  In this time, I have learned the joys and hardships of being a parent and have this new-found respect for the role.  There really is no other love like this, in fact, its the only love I know.

Mom, you are my pillar of strength.  In the face of hardship, you use courage, logic and realism to rise up and step up to anything.  You sacrifice endlessly for the well-being of your children, always putting forth our best interests before your own.  You live and love selflessly and you are one classy woman.

If I can be fortunate enough to be a quarter of the type of mom and wife you are, I will consider myself lucky.

Its hard for me to put into words how much you mean to me.  Our road together has never been an easy one.  We continue to clash heads a lot, but it only means that I’m just like you mom …. strong, opinionated and perseverant; and that ain’t a bad thing!

I know I don’t say it enough, but I love you and I hope this day for you is one where you are reminded of just how much you mean to us.

Happy Birthday … I raise my glass to you today Mom.

xo

t.

Who’s gonna ride your wild horse now?

Dear Dipshit,

This week, I was all nostalgic of our encounters.

Escaping into the night for secret rendezvous’, scantilly clad and smelling of the tropics.

Our skin touching, reaching levels of greatness on the pleasure scale.

I know you enjoyed it as much as I did …. your groans, mouth and horse told me so.

You enjoyed it so much that you invited me for round two.

Then tonight the great wonders that is the world wide web whispered to me and a revelation fell upon me like a great big brick.

You are one lying sack of shit.

You fucked up such a wonderful memory and any other chance of serendipity.

Its not about feelings, or strings because there are none.

Its about truth and genuineness.

I gave mine to you.

You fed me this great big sob story and I, although a willing participant, bought into your hard sell.

So congrats to you all-star.

Maybe in your wonderful life of pharmaceuticals, vulgarity and emptiness its all sparkles, rainbows and gum drops but guess what….

you sleep with a horse with semblance of a tranny that cleverly can shit a dictionary from her mouth… what a catch!

I’ve got something good here and I was too stupid to see it before so in a way, consider this a thank you letter.

I’ve got heart and compassion, I can love and be passionate ….. and I can use my hands really fucking well.

What a shame.

Such a fool…. such a fucking fool I am.

Peace Motherfucker.

You can swallow or you can spit …

Where do I even begin….

I have been absent from here for quite some time and in this time I didn’t think anyone would realize I was missing to be quite honest.  To my surprise many of you emailed me to see if I was alright and encouraging me to get back to writing.  I was touched, especially since I really didn’t think much of this blog and I still don’t to some degree but this past year has been a crazy one and well my thoughts and feelings proved to be more than I could swallow……… so I’m choosing to spit it all out on here for a second run.

I’m not the greatest of writers …. hell, I often struggle to pen a sentence.  My mind is always in overdrive and my words never come out how I intend them to, but I have decided to remove that pressure and just lay it down… in the raw… like a stream of consciousness if you will.

This past year has been filled with a lot of loss, heartache, confusion and self hate…… a big fucking barrel of joy really, but  these very feelings served to fuel me physically.  I have been working hard to train my body in attempts of fixing myself from the outside in.  Backward? Maybe, but I’m getting there.  It has kind of been my escape and while I am far from fixing a lot of the “wrong” in my life, it at least has me on the path of “better.”

I will spare you the details of this past year’s existence and will attempt to leave you on a lighter note…. FALL!

My favorite season of the year.  I love everything about it…

Crisp air

Changing leaves

Mugs of tea

Cuddling

Chunky cozy cable knits

Fur blankets in front of a fire

Steamy nights

Novels

Leg warmers

Painting/sketching in my studio

Warm apple pies

Boots

Dog walks

New seasons on the telly

Movie nights

…. you get the idea here, yes?

Tonight is my first of the series, a quiet night in.  Crisp outside but the home is cozy.  Dimly lit room.  Sketching in my studio.  Some ol’ U2 classics playin off my MAC. Wearin’ my specs and a men’s shirt.  My desk accessorized with Pantone markers, a sketch pad, a glass of pinot noir and a burning menthol slim.

Its goin’ to be a great season kids!

Thanks for getting my back here.

t.

Polling

I am thinking of resurrecting this thing…………..

I’m thinking about it… simply because my thoughts are often louder than my voice…..

So why the hell not ….

right?