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Guys i’m trying here, but today is just not the day its gonna happen.

I thought that maybe the feelings would be so strong they’d just flow out of me but I’ve got nothing.

Its too overwhelming to think about and it all seems so surreal that its fucking with my head.

He died Tuesday night.

The “he” I speak of is my dear uncle.  He was a man with a very big smile and an equally big presence and I can’t imagine what life will be like without him.

I pray that at some point, I will get the strength to write a very wonderful post; one that will surely explain how this loss is one that marks a great tragedy to those he affected.

Today isn’t that day.

Soar dear uncle, soar high.

Meh

I thought i’d try (operative word here) to muster up a post.

Its hard to feel when everything lately has been shit.  People dying, people going missing… i just can’t deal already.  All of this has made me realize some things: a. I get really affected when things are happening to the people I care about and b. life is fuckin’ short yo. 

You see, I spend way too much time over analyzing, being paranoid and just being down.  I get so wrapped up in the little things that I often tend to miss the bigger picture.  Call it a character flaw or just plain character but its my hand and I need to figure how to deal.  I mean I try to meditate, cleanse and perform that gamut of trickery that promises feelings of peace and stillness and oneness, but its a big bag of bullshit.  My head is steady spinning … thinking and spinning like a wheel in a rat cage.  Maybe I’m not good at it or just maybe I need more practice but I’m the kind of girl that wants things yesterday.  So clearly i’m impatient.  I’m also a bit of a bitter apple lately because i’m on week four of this six week cleanse and its starting to get to me.  I’m craving a glass of wine like an addict and I may very well cave this week.  Four weeks is good still, non?  I still cannot fathom how I’ve managed to get used to that drink … nasty still?definitely! but i’ve mastered the “plug nose-throwback shot” and have worked it down to a science.  That in itself is an accomplishment in my books.

And VOILA! It is suddenly becoming apparent to me how crappy and uneventful this post is but it certainly lives up to its title and is indicative of my current state … just meh

c’est la vie

pics tomorrow? maybe.

p.s.

i think about you, i think about it, ALWAYS

 … a moment in time and all that it could have been

all i can think is AMAZING, you, me, us, THE NIGHT

We would fit well I bet … better than well

You can pretend all you want but I know you want it as bad as I do, if only for one night

I can promise you that you’d never want to leave

such a shame

Away

Conditions have taken a turn and are on a quick path to worse.

Thanksgiving was like no other (and not in a good way).  Their absence at the table this year left me with a feeling of sadness and guilt.

I have been extremely busy working and being the greatest mom I can.  So between baking, sewing and just plain old errands, my “off time” (which is not very much) is spent in nothingness.

I will try to post pics at some point this week.

Take care

Just one more day

Its 1am and although I am fully aware that I have not blogged for some time, I am beyond exhausted.

So save me from the shouted blog rules, will ya? … just for another day

I will say though that I just got home from the art exhibit of the beautifully talented Raymi at The Central and hope to post pics tomorrow.

I have had anxiety all night and now i’m spent

g’night ya’ll

Tonight we dance …

I haven’t been out like this in awhile but there is huge reason to celebrate in my life right now.

Tattoo + 3 great girlfriends + music = good times

lets hope the pics do it justice

Amaze me

It is with sheer joy in my heart that I write this tonight.

My uncle had the “awaited” test and the results came in yesterday.  Tonight, like music to my ears, I learned that he is defying all odds; the chemotherapy is working and the tumors are shrinking.

And to think, they (lab coats) told him not to bother with the chemo.

Amazing, simply and utterly amazing.

You couldn’t paint a nicer smile on me right now.

Nutshells

Its 2:05a.m and only now am I getting some down time.

Today has been ridiculous in that I didn’t stop for one minute. 

Now as I have explained earlier this week I am in the midst of an intense liver cleanse.  This detox, for the past three days, has left me unbelievably tired and weak but for some insane reason today I had a burst in energy.  I decided to take advantage of this and went to town (not literally).  I proceeded to dust my every piece of furniture, vaccuum and wash both floors and completely finish my laundry (ironing included).   I was absolutely delighted to have accomplished all this especially because I managed it along with changing, feeding, washing and playing with my lively almost-two year old.  It was quite the accomplishment.  For some background info on yours truly: I’m obsessive compulsive, I am a germaphobe, I am a nut about cleaning and having my home clutter free and I iron everything and I mean everything (socks, bedsheets..you name it).  Note: all of the above are thanks to my dear mom.  She is a clean freak and I, thankfully, have inherited them.  Having said all this, albeit a tiring day, the feeling of sitting in a clean home with my laundry all caught up is euphoric.  Sad but so very true!

And it didn’t stop there.  Added to the list was a two hour trip to the gym, some grocery shopping and baking.  I made the most delicious banana-flax bread for lil miss C to enjoy for breakfast along with three dozen chocolate cupcakes for a Breast Cancer Awareness Charity Bake Sale that is taking place this Friday.

This brings us to 2:05 am.

I have wonderful news about my dear uncle that I would love to share.  Things got terribly worse before they got better, but I am happy to report that by some miracle his blood counts came back excellent which signify that his liver is functioning.  The news made both him and all of us overjoyed.  I hope that this will give him the strength to keep the fight in him.  For those of you that sent good vibes, I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

As for the cleanse, somehow I have gotten used to that gawdawful taste and can now successfully shoot back a teaspoon three times daily.  My energy seems to have gone up.  Now if only I could find a way to supress my incredible cravings for a glass of wine or a warm cup of coffee!

There it is folks, me lately in a nutshell.

Dear Ernie…

 

Today is a special day as it marks the birth of my best buddy, Ernie.

Today he is six. 

I cannot believe how quickly time has passed.  For those of you that are not dog lovers, this will all come strange, but I do know that there are quite a few out there that share my love for the world’s greatest companions. 

Each year I make the trip out to Three Dog Bakery in the Beaches to purchase Ernie’s peanut-butter and carob birthday cake special.  Of course, we never leave with cake alone.  There we purchase everything from toss toys, poshy food bowls to homemade gourmet whole grain bisquits and tarts.  This place is all kinds of wonderful. The staff is super friendly and of course, Ernie and his fellow four-legged friends are welcome to roam.  Unfortunately, due to timing constraints, I didn’t make it there in time for Ernie’s birthday so that will be an excursion left to take place this weekend.  Instead tonight Ernie was given some extra treats and a hell of alot of lovin, and he made it very known that that was more than enough.

I cannot begin to explain to you my affection for this little guy.  He has offered me a friendship better than most.  He understands me like no one I know.  In times that I am upset or ill, he is quick to take his spot on my lap to let me know that he is there.  When I get home from a tiring day, he is the first to greet me … his tongue out ready for some kissin’ and his tail wagging with an unbelievable intensity.  His love is a perfect kind of love … its unconditional.  Yes, he’s hairier than most humans and has four legs, but in my eyes, he is no different.  I would go to the ends of the Earth to ensure his safety, health and happiness.

So to you, Happy Birthday Erniemeister … thank you for six wonderful years of friendship.

Love ya little buddy

xo