So close, yet still so far…

I’m tending to matters of the heart and mind

I’m almost there

Can I get off this ride please …

I would like to be reporting that I feel better, but I dont.

As if I needed something else on my stress platter to balance.

I’ve made a doc appointment for this morning and there I will ask for a requisition for complete blood work.  I’m going to order everything off the menu … glucose, ferratin …  the whole gamut of good stuff.

But for now, I broadcast live from dizzyland.

More after this segment sponsored by Advil.

The end of me …

or so that is the way I felt all day.

From the time I woke up this morning, I’ve been hit with this tingling sensation in my head.

I’ve been feeling quite dizzy and faintish, with an overall numbing in my entire body. (worth mentioning: be careful of what you wish for … i wanted numbing, but this is not what I had in mind)

Freaked out, yes I was am.

My first instict was to sugar surge in the event that it was low blood sugar, but much to my dismay that didn’t work.

In another attempt to self medicate, I threw back a handful of salted pretzels (my neighbour thought it could be low blood pressure).  I was feeling pretty confident about this one since I occasionally have the tendency to have low blood pressure, but still nothing.

So now I feel dizzy, numb still AND sick (from my various attempts) on top of it all.

Could it be stress? or am I dying?

Dramatic? yes perhaps but its scaring the F*&$ out of me.

I popped two Advils for good measure.

I’m still not sleepy.

Huh! …. as I glance over with dazy eyes to look at the neon green on my alarm clock, I realize that its that time again.

How strange.

Is a little grey too much to ask?

So I have had some relatively productive (and by productive, I mean “somewhat”) happy days.  A shift in paradigm is what I’m still holding out for, so I try not to question it too much.  But (yes there always is one), it hit me today how I’m such an extremist.  When I party, I drink, dance and smoke til the cows come home or not at all; when I exercise, I’m either working out as if I’m fighting to save my life or I’m the biggest lazy ass couch tater the world has seen; when I … well you see where I’m going with this right?

My life is laden with highs and lows and it is both exhausting and boring at the same time if you can imagine that.  It all comes down to the realization that something seems to be missing.  What the hell happened to the grey?  And what about all that colour theory jazz of mixing a bit of black and white to get those wicked vast shades of grey that I love to wear so often.  When I do this kind of mixing I do not end up anywhere remotely near this kind of cool grey.

I guess what I’m getting at here is the need for a happy medium.  Yes “medium” that’s what we’ll call it.  That nice area between the black and white where things are all ho hum.  You know, nothing too crazy or outlandish, just your happy-to-be, easy going, laid back grey.

How did I get left out of the middle?

So in search of the middle and not being able to find it, I went to go buy it!  (this lead to nostalgia … that desire to put on a kilt and go back to the good ol’ school days whereby everything seemed so much simpler)

the search made me hungry so I indulged in this …. my infamous chocolate coconut raisin oatmeal pick-me-uppers!

topped off with none other …

If you could only see …

how sad I am

how I hide from behind a book so that you don’t get a glimpse of my life

how I play my music really loud so that you can’t hear me scream

how I stay silent so that you can’t read my thoughts

how often I wear my sunglasses so that you can’t see me cry

how I shop to fill the void

how I sleep to avoid “it”

how I watch tv to silence “it”

how I kiss to mask “it”

how I take pictures to cover “it”

If you could only see me, then you’d know …

you’d know everything

everything about “it”

The Truest Blue …

I’m posting today not because I feel like it because truthfully I dont but I’m hoping it will help.

I tried to test drive the “look on the brighter side” mantra and it didn’t work for me.  I think this is more than a funk but rather the onset of another episode of depression.  Yay for me.  I’m not sure as to how I get here and I obviously have no control of the matter, contrary to what some asswipes may believe.  As if I would choose to feel/be this way?!   I’m thinking I should make an appointment with my doc to check this shit out.  She tried to put me on something(welbutrin) the last time and I refused … lets see what she’s got up her sleeve this time.  There’s got to be some kind of test I can take? 

For now, I will continue on my not so merry way. 

Oh yes, the long weekend …

This weekend was a crazy mix of emotions.  It’s funny how I can be laughing and happy-like one minute and then a raging, horn popping, yelling freak the next … pre-mental perhaps? or something more scientific???

Friday night we went to Jack Astors for dinner then drank wine and watched three hours of Jackass.  I fell asleep at 2am only to wake up an hour later with the widest eyes you’ve ever seen.  I figured I’d read and so I did until 6:30am … healthy? wait there’s more good stuff where this came from. (oh, I was reading Albom’s “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” and was hoping for a little chicken soup for the soul … more about this in a later post)

Saturday morning I woke up (secured a much needed latte) and on a complete whim decided to pack up lil’ miss C and head to Marineland.  I dont remember ever having been as a child so I figured this would be something special to experience with her.  And so it was.  Her excitement at seeing the dolphins leap and twirl at ridiculous heights painted a perma-smile on her for the entire day.  It was contagious in the most beautiful way. 

And straight from the depression report … admission was $40 which if not for my daughter’s reaction would have been a huge flippin rip off, the killer whale show lasted for all of five minutes, not to mention, the huge downer to see these massive mammals swimming in what seemed to be a too-little-for-their-massiveness-like tank, Oh and we got caught in a torrential storm for twenty minutes.  We then headed to Clifton Hills for some authentic wood burning oven pizza with our last stop being the Hershey Factory.  (Note to self: limitless amounts of chocolate + pre-mental = NOT A GOOD IDEA)  I had to fight the sugar crazies the whole way home.

Sunday was lax.  Lil’ Miss C kicked around at our local splash pad for an hour, we had lunch, headed to Ikea (I’m looking for a table for my sewing machine …. one potential contender found) then it was laundry and a whole bunch of housework.

Monday I went to visit a relative that is extremely ill.  Nothing could prepare me for the moment that I had dreaded for weeks now.  Seeing him took my breath away in a way that sucked life from me.  He no longer resembles the man that I once knew … the jolly, loving-life, jokester that exuded spark.  The only way I can explain it is its as if someone shut the light.  My heart breaks every time I think of him.  I’m praying for a miracle, that somehow he can find the spark again to fight the odds.  I dont want this image of him to be engraved in my mind, I want to remember how he was and I only hope that he will someday be again.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of “stuff” lately.  As much as I’d like to think of myself as this tough chick, the truth is I’m a hugely emotional softy.  I’m fighting my way back but it seems lately that I’m just sliding further down the rope.

One day at a time … that is about all I can take right now.

Here is some brightside:

There is nothing a little mint chocolate chip can't fix!

 

Or some unconditional "ernie-love"

I’m screaming sad …

Mad jam whilst listening to MG

Depression chaser

Everyone loves …

"I am de trainer of de dolphin"

 

Can you guess which is wax?

 

 A real Italian knows her pizza!

the infamous Antica Pizzeria

 

the pearly gates

Chocoholics beware!!!  temptation ahead

pre-mental survival kit must have!

 And voila!

Its 1:56am … so wierd

mornin’

Patience … a virtue that often escapes me

Hey ya’ll,

I’ve been away from blogging for a bit but I really haven’t had much to say.  And when I do write/think, its usually negative and since I am trying to pull myself away from that … well you get what I’m trying to say here.

Last night I hit up Chapter’s to continue my book buying binge.  I have amassed quite the collection thus far. 

I will be busy for the next little while reading these:  Rebel Sell, Hey, Nostredamus, The Gum Thief, Lullabies for Little Criminals, Lolita, Everything is Illuminated, (Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs), A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, The Bell Jar and Blackbeard

Quite the list non?  A nice mix of witt, pop culture, politics and debauchery.

The idea of starting a book club has been summersaulting in my mind for some time now; and I dont mean one of those lame, knitting circle and tea sandwhiches types either.  I’m talking more along the lines of a cool, diverse group of folk getting together for wine/cocktails to debate, discuss and laugh over some great finds!  Sounds aiight in my head, not sure though how to go about setting something like this up. 

Nonetheless, books and film have been my drug of choice lately and have, in part, contributed to the reason for my absence.  Delving into someone else’s life and story has been a nice deviation from looking too much into my own!!

Oh, and I forgot to mention … I saw The Dark Knight and it was everything they hyped it to be and more! 

Go see it immediately!!

Check in later and hopefully I will have laid down some thoughts.