What does it all mean?

This morning I received terrible news.  Well not news really because the pit of my stomach had a feeling about this, I just think we (myself included) were all too afraid and too much in denial to actually state it.  We knew it couldn’t be good and well, this morning it was sort of confirmed.

A dear family member sits in the hospital at this very moment awaiting a death sentence.  For some white coat to tell him how his last days will be spent; forcing him to think about things that he never thought were possible.  What to do now? To whom to leave what? What to leave behind? How will they make out? I’ll never see them marry.  WHY ME? 

The notion of mortality always gets the better of me and often sends me into a whirlwind of anxiety.  Loss of any kind is something that I struggle with.  I’m almost afraid to get close to the ones I love for fear of losing them.  I come from an extremely tight family unit and just the very thought makes me want to vomit.  Its funny how I fear the one most constant guarantee in life.  That “knowing” alone should bring me comfort but it doesnt.  I even fear about how it will happen or how old I will be.  I have to come to terms with this and somehow this is bringing alot of it to the forefront.  I find myself thinking about my life so far, my past and all the things that I’ve wanted to do.

I’ve always been adamant about having no regrets but that would be in an ideal world wouldnt it?  There’s no escaping regret because as much as we think we dont we always wish we could have done something different or better or sooner or later.  There are alot of things I would have done different.  Maybe I would have moved to New York like I wanted or travelled the world or slept with a thousand men or pursued a dance career.  Who knows?!  Kind of pointless to brew about it now isn’t it.  I can only change going forward.  Perhaps its time to make me own “bucket list”.

Because really, what does it mean to live? Is to live to take in all the wonders of the world? Is it to find inner peace? or is it to just do whatever the fuck it is that makes you happy… today i’m leaning toward the latter.