Come in, the door is open …

I sat for awhile thinking about what would be worthy to blog about and then I questionned why I even cared.  A blog should be random off-shoutings of the mind not premeditated; well, at least that is what I think it should be about.

This weekend was busy.  I was busy existing and again not living in the moment.  It really sucks.

Friday I scurried in and out of stores in search of a dress for S&M’s wedding which happened to be on the following day (saturday).  So yes, I am a procrastinator to the highest degree.  I secretly crave pressure and it is in that environment that I think I excel.  I narrowed my choices down to two … a cute bcbg number with wicked pumps to match and a french connection get up.  Now let me say here that I always find a way to rationalize my purchases as not desires but needs, but strangely so, logic reigned supreme for the first time in a long time.  Seeing that this would be my last wedding of the year, I could not justify or rationalize my way into buying a dress/pumps that I knew I wouldn’t wear again.  I made due with what I had and let’s be serious here, you can never go wrong with a simple, little black number … the staple to every woman’s wardrobe.  Great!  Now I can direct my monies to more warranted fall clothing purchases.

Saturday was the wedding and it was somewhat chaotic as I was chaperoned by lil’ miss C.  Getting her organized for feedings, an adequate nap and wardrobe changes was more than I bargained for, but we managed quite successfully and surprisingly with ease.  The wedding was beautiful and it stirred up a lot of “feel-good” in what lately has become a very cynical mind.  Maybe its a fleeting moment or just maybe its a feeling that will decide to stick around, but for now I will go with the flow and che sara, sara! (“what will be, will be” for all you non-eyetalians).  Cliche-ness aside, it was a good party.  I mean it always is when the lot of us get together for some drunken dancing escapades (chillax! Before you go Brittney Spears on my ass … i had a sitter for the evening).  What most of you should know is that I have remained friends with a really great bunch of twelve since kindergarten and this twelve has extended to twenty something as some of us have either sparked up a new boyfriend, have become engaged or have been long since married.  I feel very fortunate to be surrounded with such great friendships that are so rare, yet so true.  I will try to post some pics of the affair in the coming days.

Sunday was laissez faire!  I did as much of nothing as one can do when you have a child.  So it really isn’t doing nothing, but something, just not the normal day-to-day somethings.  Comprend?

So now I sit here in the wee hours of Tuesday morning feeling the urgency for change; shift in mind and heart.  To be honest, I’m tired of blogging about being lazy and uninspired and afraid and all the negative connotations that follow.  I want an open heart, a free mind and a carefree spirit and although I cannot wakeup tomorrow (later this morning) with a platter of all three to indulge in, I will wake up with a more conscious effort to accept them if they come knocking.  I want to believe in love again, I want to believe in myself and I want to believe in life in general.  Who knows maybe breathing in life with a new perspective will take me there.  Right now at this very moment, I desire to pick up a paint brush.  I haven’t done that in awhile.  Its a bit exciting actually.  That desire and excitement that flutters in your stomach … the newness.  Yes that’s what I hope will come knocking.

Starbuckian

I can’t explain it.  I’m jonesing for java like a crack addict.  Perhaps it was the three months of being a born again virgin drinker but I want it.  I want it in the morning to wake the hell up, I want it in the afternoon just because and I want it at night so that I can stay up and post at 1:56 am.

At an alarming four bucks a pop, i’ve become a slave to the bean and I gladly wave my starbuckian flag proud.

What foolery.

I’m going for a drive … a drive through starbucks (that’s right folks … drive through, but it sucks balls); so that I can pull up in my SUV and order a tall skinny wet latte. 

How ridiculous that it has its own language but i’m an honorary resident what can I say.

All hail the mermaid.

Pity

I often kick myself for things that I should have done, moments where I should have reacted, things I should have said … but what good is this really.  Hindsight is 20/20 and that’s the way it has to be because if it wasn’t then I wouldnt be having this string of thought to begin with.

I have had the fortune/misfortunate depending on how you look at it of having someone come into my world recently and turning it inside out forcing me to take a deep gander into what is my life.  I find myself questionning what the hell I want and to be quite honest, I don’t have a clue.  I mean, I think I know what I want, but it changes from week to week.  I thought the self discovery bullshit would have been done by now but truthfully, I don’t think I’ve nearly come close to beginning. 

For most of my life I have always done what has been expected of me, and I have put everyone else’s feeling and problems before my own.  It has led me down a path of mediocrity and yes, my life hasn’t sucked by any means, but it has not lived up to its fullest potential.  I’m no longer happy to just be.  To simply exist is not to live.  Why am I so damned scared to live?  I shy away from risk for fear of failure, but isn’t it that leap of faith, that chance that we take regardless of the outcome, where we learn and grow in the most profound way.  And why am I programmed to do and act on the things that I feel are “the right thing to do”?  I, for once, want to be reckless and do without thinking or taking into account how people will be affected by my actions or decisions and this is not to say that I want to deliberately hurt the ones I care about, but rather a desire to live carefree if only for a short while.  I want to once again wake up with the tenacity and lust for life I once had.  The days of being naive and feeling invincible.  Those are the days I long to feel once again.  The days where stupid mistakes are chalked up as young innocent discovery phases.  Phases … got to love that word.  It was like a get out of jail free card.  “She pierced her tongue Mary, its just a phase she’s going through.” (my dad discussing my new accessory back in 1997) 

I’m 30, I have a home of my own, and I am a mother to the most precious little girl ever … BUT, I want a new phase … something to make me feel alive again, something that’s going to put a skip in my step and make my heart race a little faster.  There isn’t anything wrong with that, right?

A letter to whoever …

For so long you were someone on the other end of the world

Someone unattainable

Someone I could only hear but could never really touch

Until now

In my world you came with only a few short words

And no punctuation

Forthright and to the point

Dangling the very thing you know I wanted

Only I bailed because I was scared

Scared to face me from the inside out

Scared to learn what I could be and do so easily

Some days I feel like a monster

But on other days, I only crave it more

Its all I think about

All I dream about

All that I regret

For doing and not doing

Saying and not saying

And so here you leave me with my world turned inside out

For me to pick up the pieces and make sense of it all

You’ll never really know me

Or how you changed me

Or how much I care about you

Because you’re just another one of them

Who leave me with nothing but a pile

Just because I didn’t jump

What a shame

Such a shame

An affection so pure

An admiration so great

And you won’t ever get to know it

Because you have your head stuck up your ass

What a pity.

p.s. what is it about 1:56 a.m.?

Goodbye Blue Monday

The clock just ticked to 1:56 AM and this is the fourth night of next-to-nothing sleep.  Maybe its the late night coffees or just maybe I’m on thinker overdrive.

Today I did sweet-fanny-atom!  As you can clearly read I’m lacking in the motivation department.

Its been a week since I’ve been at the gym and I’ve been eating house with several cups of coffee consumed per day.  This can’t be good!  My blase (yes relax … insert the aigu on the e … and insert middle finger while you’re at it! I cant figure it out alright!) mood is really played out already.  Its one of those things that you know you should change because you’re only going to keep bitching about it, but yet you are too flippin lazy to do anything about it. 

 So as promised I have included for you kiddies some photographs of my escapades and moods these past two weekends all of which included lunches, wine, dinners, wine, parties, baking, beach, sulking and feeling sorry for myself … oh and wine.

My new fave colour combo

I thought shopping would help the mood … the high was very temporary.  I was indecisive about the dress, but snagged the belt at a ridiculous good price.

Bad mood a la goth.

This was Time Wasting 101 at its finest.  I was bored and the gang was taking forever to get primped and dolled.  We had dinner this night at Yonge & Egg.

Can you see the self hate in my face?  Theres more of this below.

A failed attempt at trying to love me.

You know the whole saying about loving yourself first … horseradish, its blasphemous.  Even in my self loathing, there’s one person that I love more than the air that I breathe and that’s lil’ miss C.  Its not to say that I don’t recognize the need to love me, I just don’t think that I am ready for that kind of lovin.

Here are some random pics taken on the way to dinner.

Check out the mass of garbage that Toronto can produce in one sitting.  Impressed or what?

wtf? uh... heard of recycle much?

This sweet ride reminded me of Little Miss Sunshine.  I’d love to steal it, paint it white with pink and fuscia and sell cupcakes out of it.

cupcake mobile

 And how ingenious is this?  Selling the bastard’s clothes! brilliant.

The next day I went shopping again and found this gem.  I want the orange one for my pad.

One of my fave bloggers (www.raymitheminx.com) is going to rip into me for the hair, but I was way too LAZY to pimp it.  Loved this tank paired with the varsity cardi but couldn’t justify the dollar.  I will most probably change my mind and go back for them cuz that’s how I roll (usually).

We had lunch at Jack Astors and I, of course, caved and had the chicken fajitas and a pomegranite margarita slushy thingy… it was aiight.

This past Sunday I decided to get away and take the long awaited trip North to Tiny.  This is the view from my folks’ cottage.

Le Beach

This guy was serenading a couple on the beach.  They had a table set up with food and wine, but he sucked the bag big time …  god help him if this was the bastard’s attempt at a proposal.  A mariachi band would have been a sure in.

These two occupied prime sand castle building real estate.  Totally must have sucked back way too much vino cuz they were in this position for the entire three hours that we were there … ah, sweet drunk love.

All hope was not lost … we found another spot

Cast aways … well not really, its my brother and his girlfriend.

Token party shot from Anna’s dirty 30 at Ultra.

We were on the patio all night … gotta love the humid hair, hence the quick fix sorta up do.

Oh and straight from the desk of the insomniac cupcake whore …

Lest us not forget the two dozen cupcakes that I was commissioned to make for a bachelorette party.

corset cake

So there you have it.  Probably the longest post you’ll ever see here. 

A rambling of thoughts as you can plainly see which are perfectly in sync with my mood and thought patterns over the last two weeks.  With everything that’s been happening, it all feels like kind of a blur.  Going through the motions, but not really being present in mind.

This is all starting to frighten me as I feel myself slipping into that place that I so easily go to.  I wake up each day hoping that somehow this time will be different.  That just maybe I will realize in time to do something before it spirals.  We’ll soon see I guess.

Goodbye blue monday … until tomorrow.

The coming…….

Ok, photo essay to come.

Busy weekend.

Ridiculous beetlejuice-like mood swings.

Blogging… well, uninspired.

Excuses maybe, what can you do?

Check me tomorrow!

Therapy

Okay so I’m back and no I didn’t go up North as I was uninterested in being present at a party with my thoughts… afterall, thats what got me into a rut in the first place!

I instead opted for retail therapy in the city all weekend long.

Friday night I enjoyed a dinner with our “Grazie” cugini.  Grazie, by the way, is an amazing little Italian resto at Yonge and Eglinton.  Amazing not because they are family but because their food is “amaaazing.”

It was a splendid night of carbs and wine but well worth the calories.  My ”cycle” thanked me later for the post dinner bloat.

Oh and one of MTV’s hostess’ dined next to us …. meh (not as sweet as she tries to look on camera)

After our fabulous carb dinner, off it was to see b-flick “Young People Fucking” with skinny latte in tow.  The movie was darling, funny and oddly realistic at times.  Great cast.  The best friend duo were hilarious but the threesome was even more so (although the least realistic of the plots).  Point here is that the movie was funny and I liked it.

Turned in on Friday at 3am … apparently i’m nocturnal

Saturday morning I woke with the birds at an alarming 6am.   Did some reading, showered, had breakfast then off it was to Queen Street with LS and AK (and her dog carli).  We shopped for SEVEN hours.  It was magical.  There is nothing more therapeutic than mindless (literally) shopping.  I came out with a wicked loot of finds which included: cute hair accessories, a green belt, and a navy dress.  Oh and we made an LCBO stop on the way home for some bottles of wine.

Got home, drank to drunk and fell asleep (again mindless). GREAT.  Just what I needed.

Sunday morning it was back to the city for more shopping, but this time we headed to Yonge and Dundas.  I came out with two pairs of very cute boots for the Fall and a precious 1920s cloche.  I’m super stoked to put a nifty outfit together for a night in the town.  I have many events coming up so hopefully I can post pics of what I can muster up!

Sunday night included more wine, reading and then lights out at 2am only to get a second wind an hour later…ughhh… so annoying

Today (Monday) I felt like shit all day.  I’m lazy, bored and up to my eyes in self loathing.  Lil’ miss C and I spent the day with my folks and it was nice and they were ecstatic to spend time with her but I felt like although I was present physically, mentally I was somewhere else altogether.  I am struck with these feelings again of not knowing who I really am at the core.  I know what I value, but I am unsure as to what I really want out of life.  I know I want to be happy but I dont know what will make me happy or how to get there for that matter.  I feel like I need change but I am lacking the will and motivation to bring these changes to fruition.  Some days I feel like I want to be married, other days I want to be single, some days I want to be a painter, other days I want to be a baker or a fashion designer.  I just wish I had direction. 

I think what I really feel is lost and there are not enough cute items in this world to purchase that are going to help me get to the root.  They may bandaid the issue for a short moment, but at the end of the day when I put my head on my pillow in the wee hours of the morning all I ever feel is LOST.

Maybe I need a cleanse? Maybe I just need to get away for a bit.  I don’t know …

I’ve got to do something though and fast because I dont want to waste another minute of my life on this inner battle shit!

Playing it safe …

Last night’s plans were intended to appear way different from what they materialized to be.

A patio, copious amounts of alcohol and the warm sun beating down on me … a dangerous concoction for the troubled mind and heart.

Instead I settled for a chai latte and wi-fi .. the “safer” option.  Am I getting old?  I refuse to believe this.

I also compiled a “must read” list for my next date with Chapters and a “music-to-check out” list.  I’m a LIST LOVER as you can see!!!

Tonight I think I will skip away to the great outdoors for a couple of days.  I think the fresh air and the water will do me good.  Seeing that I will be away from the world wide web, I will be forced to grass roots it and resort to more primitive forms of entertainment like reading books!  Not so bad eh?

With the probability of a trip north looming, I went to see Mr.Chapter this morning and picked up four (yes four!) books off my “must read” list.  I will force my literary reviews of each on all of you upon finishing them!

Anywho, so this may be a sign off for a couple of days, but i’m kind of crabby so I may change my mind on a whim and settle on candy, coffee and rentals and perhaps a meandering of the city tomorrow. 

Je ne sais quoi?

Toodles.

Today

So I have had a couple of days to digest all of this.

And its been one of the toughest things that I have had to do.  I have been confronting deep routed feelings that don’t often become the subject of my thought.  Needless to say I have not handled this well.  I have eaten like a glutton to the point of nausea, I have drank like a drunkard to the point of oblivion and I have smoked like the biggest stoner known to man.  Throw in some crying fits and enough java to keep you awake for eternity… you know, just for good measure.  That has been my preferred cocktail for these past couple of days.

I dont know how, but somehow, I need to find some optimism because that is what they need from me.

We dont know how long, but what we do know is that while we’re here together, we better make the fuckin’ best of it.

A very beautiful and caring blogger said to me yesterday, “we’re all going there” and that rang loudest to me.

So today I choose to “dance like no one is watching,” I choose to “sing like no one can hear me” … Today I choose to fuckin’ live because I will never know when God chooses to snatch my punk ass!

Cheers to all you amazing people!

 Hangover Face!

Too Close…

This past week in a moment of weakness I came close to falling.  Falling in the worst possible way.

All these questions of life that have been encircling my thoughts got me to thinking in a way that is unlike me. 

My character was questionned, but I stood up and realized that I am stronger than I think.

I will not pretend to be who you want me to be, I am who I am.

I am like no one you’ll ever meet.  How unfortunate for you.

Sure I may never know what it would have been like, but I can sleep tonight knowing that you didn’t get the best of me.

You dont deserve the best of me.

And that to me is victory.

I will catch you …

Tonight

He waits.  The longest wait of his life.  Tomorrow morning will be the start of his worst days.

The proudest man I know will have to sit across from his sons and deliver the worst news of their lives.

Quiet, introverted boys that will crumble to a million pieces inside the depths of their souls.

And I will be there, to catch their fall.   Only I’m scared because nothing that I say or do will give them relief or add time or make them understand why life is as such.

Why we spin the wheels every day working hard, thinking hard, fighting hard, being hard only to run into the shitty misfortune of being taken away so young, so harshly without an opinion or a say in how we want to go out.

Its not fair.

Every part of me wants to curl up and hide, but I can’t because there is no escaping it.  When He calls, we must go and pray that on the other end there is an endless flow of goodness, fairness, painlessness, happiness.  If we don’t believe in that, then what is there?

Tonight I wont sleep hoping that tomorrow will not come because tomorrow they will lose their souls, their fire and I cant bear to witness that.