This I know….

I haven’t been great at this, I know  … argghh

First photo essay of this past weekend to come!

Hang in there.

Conflicted …

Lately, today especially, my heart and mind are heavy.

I’m hoping I can drink that away tonight.

cheers

 

Sex Report …

Sunday night Lora, Sabrina and I gave in and finally went to see the much talked about and overhyped “Sex and the City, THE movie.”

Let me start by saying that I was not a regular viewer of the series, but did on occassion catch an episode here and there.  Now I am not a fan of drama, nor do I buy into the “fake” hollywood friendships that are propogated on the show, but I am a complete fashion whore and well … Carrie’s clothes the show appeals to the senses. 

I love fashion and everything about that fast paced world; the colour, the non-colour, the deadlines, the runway, the shoes and the list can go on for an eternity.  It is a world that excites me.  Having been in the industry myself, I can say that seeing my work strut down a long New York, Paris or Milan runway is a dream that I will forever aspire for.  This of course would be accompanied by inhabiting the most awe inspiring home/studio loft.  The point I’m trying to make here is that the movie stirred up all those feelings in me once again.  I have been away from that world for a little over three years and something Sunday night rekindled in me.

Going back to the movie …

So out of the theatre we come, almost three hours later and much to my surprise, I liked it!  I laughed, I cried, I wondered, I yearned and I understood.  I understood that friendships are not really like that.  I am sure that a closeness between friends is not unheard of as I am fortunate enough to share closeness in my own circle, but the extreme measures that these fab four go to to be there for one another, I think, is a little “Hollywood.”  Call me cynical, but girls will be girls and at some point or another the green envy monster debuts.  Life happens and its not always that easy to drop everything on a dime to run to a  crying friend (especially one that may have very well ruined your would-have-been-fabulous wedding).  Don’t get me wrong here, I would do anything for my bestest of friends, but its just not always that easy.   Furthermore, the fact that everyone gets their happy ending is both dumb and predictable.  The final wedding to Big was even more assinine and completely unnecessary.  The realization that Carrie and Big came to was that they didn’t need to be officially married to be happy, but they did it anyway! argghhh… Needless to say, I hated the ending.  I guess I’d be foolish to expect anything else, it is afterall, Hollywood … the land of perfection. 

Ultimately, what came out of this in the end for me was a moment of self-actualization.  What is funny is that the greatest lessons for me were learned from Samantha and Miranda; the two least perfect of the four.  I took away that it is so easy to stay on a path that feels comfortable and safe; but I feel that this is a path that leads to a slow and inevitable death as it is here that we lose a sense of who we are as individuals.  Remaining in a situation that no longer challenges the heart, mind and body does injustice to all those involved.   As cliche as it sounds, life is short and we have one stab at it.  There is no chance to go back and do it all over again.   We need to live and take risks and aspire for all those things that may not be achievable … but in that chase, “we live.”

Lastly, forgiveness.  A concept that I struggle with in my own life.  I often find myself so quick to hold a grudge against someone that has faulted me.  For most of these situations I am able to forget, but to forgive is something different altogether.  You see, I do not think I could have forgiven Steve like Miranda did.  But then I realized that we all make mistakes.  We are beautifully flawed by nature.  It is what we learn and how we act after those mistakes that is a true test of character.  I hope to have a more open heart after this. 

 Anyhow, who would have seen this coming? Hmmph. I’m amazed myself.

Go out and see it, you may be as surprised as I was!

BLAH…

I am empty today.

I feel nothing

I write about nothing

Literally nothing

I wish there was ”something”

maybe tomorrow

Motionless…

Today is not off to a good start

Today is day two of being completely motionless … and not by choice.

I am unable to move both my head and neck making the most simple of tasks both difficult and painful.

I’d love to be able to tell you that this was a result of a night of kinky, chandelier-swinging sex but sadly it isnt.  I have a feeling that I caught a draft the other night at Chapters as I was sitting directly under a vent blowing full out A/C (how exciting grandma!!!).  Obviously it caused my muscles to tense and since everything is connected to everything else … and well,  VIOLA! .. motionless.

I’m bored and irritated, I have a madd load of things to get done today and television sucks in the worst possible way.

What is a girl to do?

p.s. I’d like to blame this on  karma as I didn’t come through on a massage for a certain someone a while back and well now I need one more than ever… blarghhh

p.s.s. Did I mention that I have to deliver two dozen cupcakes tomorrow morning .. pics to follow as this should be interesting ….  (hmmph… that could technically be considered “kinky cooking”  non?… HA!)

Give in to me …

Hot

You made a confession

Daring

I made a suggestion

Join me, the water is cold

 

I promise not to kiss you

but breathe you in I will

Drink your mind til I’m drunk

WET ….

Skin to skin

It aint so bad now is it?

 

My hands

They will wander

My lips

They will barely touch

Take a sip, arent you curious?

 

You say you want it straight

This is what I give

What others offer loosely

I will make you earn

You won’t regret me

 Give in …

Are you still cold? 

 

If you are reading this, you know who you are.

 

Virgin Blogger meets Mr.LA

Tonight I was fortunate enough to exchange words with LA blogger extraordinaire Tony and he had some very interesting blogging tips for me.  (confirming for me that this blog is miles away from where I’d like it to be!)

In truth, this blogging thing is quite new to me and I tend to hold back on thoughts, opinions and experiences alike because it makes me feel so damn vulnerable and “exposed.” You see, I’ve always been a bit of a shy gal.   A quiet observer if you will (although friends in my inner circle would beg to differ!)  It takes me awhile to warm up to someone, but once the ice is broken, you’d never know that this librarian is actually a dominatrix by night!  (okay well not exactly, but you get the gist) 

blah blah blah

I will say though that this is quite liberating (in a pschyotherapy session kind of way).  Finally a place to write what I really think about you, how bad your sex really is, how fashionable I think you are NOT and how incredibly warped I sometimes think!  I feel better already.

Tony, if you are reading this you are probably cringing!  My blog pretty much contains all your blogging 101 “not-to-dos”; but, it is what it is … and that is young and naive.  I now know the recipe of success and will aim to please.  (but giv’er a while to catch up)

Welcome

Planless

For once in my life, I don’t want a plan … a stupid checklist that marks my every move; that little unchecked box that reminds me of my failure

I make one every night before I go to sleep (my naturopath believes that this will help my insomnia, but she’s wrong because it is that very list and the list from that list that causes me not to sleep! … $135 visit well spent)

It is very typical OCD behaviour, I think. 

Every moment of every breath, I think … think, think, think

What to do? when to do? where to do? who to do?

DO DO DO DO DO

Today I will do NOTHING and enjoy it.

For once, planless

Maybe i’ll go lose myself at chapters with a book and some java … but wait, that sounds like a plan?

dammit

To The First Man I Have Ever Loved

My weekend has been by far a hectic one.

Friday I headed to Port Credit Memorial Park for the Mississauga Waterfront Festival to see my one and only MG.  Unfortunately due to a lightning storm (which I was lucky enough to be stuck in … oddly beautiful sight by the way), the concert was cancelled.  The venue was beautiful.  Being by the water beneath starlight hearing the very music that heals me was something I was looking forward to; however, I have another chance to experience this warmth at the end of August as I will be attending another MG show at the Jackson Triggs Estate Winery.  (oh and enjoying an infamous Jamie Kennedy dinner!)

Saturday I hosted a bbq lunch for RS’s birthday/Father’s Day.  The day’s fare included typical grill .. burgers (veggie and meat) and dogs along with salad, rice balls and potato wedges.  Plenty of beer and mixed vodka drinks were equally enjoyed.  The day was topped off with iced espresso granita and my signature mocha almond fudge ice cream cake.  Good times were had all around.  Later on in the evening, I kicked it with some old friends in whopville for DM’s 30th birthday.

Sunday morning I woke up with the sun at 6am (after turning in at 3am).  As exhausted as I was, I successfully made it to the bakery in time to secure THE warmest and freshest egg bread to make my stuffed french toast which was the “feature” item for my father’s day breakfast.  The menu read as follows: nutella and banana stuffed french toast, scrambled eggs and bacon, fresh strawberries, freshly squeezed juice (orange, pinapple and passion fruit) along with cafe latte.  All around goodness! Then it was off to Kleinburg Golf Club for a game of golf.  The day was smoldering but relaxing.  In the evening, with lil’ miss C in tow, I headed to LC’s 30th birthday pool party (but I didn’t last very long here…. sleep was calling me bad).

Needless to say, I’m cooked.  I have gone non stop all weekend long and today I did nothing but wallow the entire day.  Too tired and too stuffed to workout.  Tomorrow will be a new day altogether.  I will be back to the grind and off to the track.  I will be embarking on a new journey to find inner peace and happiness in my life.  Things have been topsy turvy for me lately and now I am ready to take the bull by the horns.  I will start on a “clean eating” regiment, a daily dose of exercise/yoga/pilates, meditation, reading, writing, baking and photography… and being the best darn mom eva!!!

For the real inspiration of this post … my daddy.

The first man to have had my heart.

No one has ever loved me or supported me like my dad.  He is the reason that I am the woman I am today.

He has taught me to love wholly and be honest with both myself and others.  He has taught me to respect equally and be true to my character.  Above all, he has taught me what it means to sacrifice for the ones you love and how family comes first.

Dad, today is father’s day, but know that I honour you in my heart every minute I breathe.  Thank you for loving me like no other.  You have always made me feel like the most important person in your world and I love you from the very depths of my heart.  I will always be your biggest fan.

Happy Father’s Day Daddy.  I love You.

Puzzle

Okay so I’m quite useless to all of you as I still have nothing to say.  I cannot understand what exactly has got me so emotional this week … its actually making me quite annoyed.  I have had no desire to think about my new endeavours, or clean, or do laundry, or even eat for that matter.  Being alone with my thoughts and with music is the only thing that seems to comfort me; so forgive me for the lack of excitement here.  The coming days will be busy for me so hopefully my downward spiral will be sidetracked with something of the “brighter side.” 

But for now ….

Driving fast

The windows down

“Wind, carry away my sins”

I blare the music hoping for it to erase me

my thoughts, my worries, my imperfections … ME

ERASE, ERASE, ERASE, ERASE, ERASE …

Where do I fit?

Who am I meant for?

What to leave behind?

I come up short

The voices

They overtake me

Whispers gnawing at my ear

But no one is there

nothingness

So I call out to you

Move me like your chess piece

Think for me

Love for me

Feel for me

FEEL

something

please