Fall from grace

Something happened today that I dont really want to discuss at length as it is pretty hurtful, but I will say that often in life we encounter a person that either affects us positively or negatively, but nonetheless, they affect us in a very profound way.  In my case, this person changed my life.  Whether this person knows or even cares to know this is of little importance now, but I will still be thankful and eternally grateful.

An exchange of only few words, but an impact so large … I am devastated. 

They were right … and this saddens me

In your eyes…..

Hey ya’ll, I know there was no post yesterday, but there is good reason.

You see, we have had some shitey weather here in Toronto for the past week and a half and yesterday marked the first real sign of spring…. fashionably late of course.  I decided to take advantage of the beautiful weather and took lil’ miss C on her first adventure to the Toronto Zoo.  It became apparent to me yesterday that everyone had the same idea in mind!  After a half hour walk from the car (zoo parking lot was full) and a lovely one hour wait in line for admission, we finally set off on the day’s excursion.  (Confession: by this time, I was peeved and drained, but put on my happy, pleased-to-be-here face for her) 

I will start with this; lil’ miss C is one fortunate little girl as she has a loving not-so-little pup (Ernie) at home; she’s very much used to animals and in fact, adores them.  So today was pretty special for her.  Some personal favorites of hers (ones that won the best reactions) were the orangutangs and tamarin monkeys, the lions (oddly enough), the giraffes and zebras.  The elephants, on the otherhand, were an entirely different story … I believe that their rather large size clammed her up! Hell, I was even freaked.  What was both adorable and funny was that despite their respective identities within the animal kingdom, everything was referred to as doggy or kitty.  Furthermore, no animal was left unturned; whether tiny or gargantuan, each was equally and respectfully greeted with a “hi doggy” or “bye bye kitty.”  These were the cutsie-isms that I was lucky enough to witness.

Although I must say, today was even more special for me as I looked on with a love that only a mother and daughter can share.  To see the excitement in her eyes and the joy in her expressions as new things came to life in her world filled my heart with the warmth of a million summers.  Her innocence, her soul … so untarnished.  It overwhelmed me so much that I welled up with tears.  I hope and pray for her to never lose that feeling, that look … a moment that I have painted in my mind and will remember for an eternity.

Every day I am privy to witnessing the evolution of a world that can be so cruel.  A world filled with hatred, disrespect and inequality; a world that facilitates materialism and dishonesty … a world that is often capable of making us question our self worth.  This is the bitter reality of it all and I can only hope that I can instill in her the morals and values that will help her rise above it.  I will teach her to love without condition, to extend kindness and respect equally, to be genuine and honest and to act with integrity.  I will help her understand what it means to have strength and courage and I will teach her to draw from them in the face of fear.  I will teach her to dream big and reach for the stars, but most importantly, I will teach her that her self worth is something to never be questionned.  This will be my gift to her.

Baby girl,                                                                                                                                                        you are the light that spills through the window of my soul                                                                          the warmth that fills the depths of my heart    

I love you through and through with all that I am.                                                                                                                                                                                                              

Love, Mommy 

 

 

 

Not Enough … my personal dysfunction

Today, I’m having one of those days.  Most often (too often for my liking), insecurity rears its ugly head on me; today, he has won.  I woke up this morning not feeling “enough” …. not smart enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not cool enough … I have a list that is as long as eternity.  I hoped that some retail therapy would take my mind off of the things that I am not, and although I treated myself to a very cute loot of items, my “not-enoughness” grew worse.

The rest of this afternoon has been spent reflecting on how I get to this place of self doubt and low esteem, and as always, I’ve come up with nothing short of confusion.  I have battled this demon all my life and it has shown its many faces to me; faces that make me question my self worth.  At one point in my life, this insecurity led me to question the very reason for my existence.  In that time, I believed that I had nothing to offer this world; and, I felt that if I was gone, I wouldn’t be missed.  It was a very rough time for me; a time that brought to the surface past trials and pains.  Unbelievably, I pulled through it.  The music of a certain someone that I wish not to mention at this time pulled me from this place and breathed life back into me.  That is the day I knew that I was a survivor. 

So maybe he won today, but I can tell you one thing and that is this….. I am one smart, tough cookie and I don’t go out easy.  I will fight him with my every breath and one day, I will win ….. that day I will feel enough, in fact, I will feel better than enough!  On that day, no magazine, no man, no musician, no pretentious blogger, no corporation, no sweet valley high socialite, not anyone will make me feel that I am less than.

Demon you win today, but I’m coming back for you.

I leave you with this:

“I would rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I am not.”  Kanye West 

All hope is not lost…..

Something really neat happened to me tonight, so I’ve decided to document it here because it is not often that we hear that good things still do happen.  We live in a time and place where I too question what will become of this world.  At some point every day, I will either watch or sit and read the news and I have yet to come across a day in this life that something really terrible hasn’t happened …. a cyclone killing off masses and leaving others abandonned from family and homes, murders, pedophiles, wars, cancer, wars, rapes …wars, wars, wars; it never ends.  I worry for my future, but I worry more for my daughter’s future and her childrens’ futures. 

Tonight a very small gesture was made toward me that restored some faith … the belief that people can be good and kind and thoughtful.  I was in line for my usual tall, skinny, dry latte from the star of bucks (another simple pleasure of mine….oh and yes, you read that correctly, my hood has installed its new concept store – a drive through starbucks! i’ll comment more on this later).  Just as I pulled up to the window to hand over my $3.13, a friendly woman kindly informed me that my coffee was paid for by the gentleman that drove through before me…. i was in awe.  In that moment, I decided to pay it forward and paid for the chit of the car behind me.  WOW.

So if by some stroke of coincidence you happen to be that kind gentleman, thank you.  Thank you for my latte and thank you for making me believe that good still exists.

Hi my name is Tina, and I am a skeptic……

A few nights ago, I watched a “chick-flic”, if you will, (which is one of my secret hidden pleasures)… the movie starred Hilary Swank and Gerrard Butler titled “P.S. I Love You.”  Something in the movie got me thinking about the whole notion of “Love-at-first-sight.” 

Personally, my thought on this is simply, I don’t buy into it!  I believe that lust or attraction at first sight is deemed a more suitable caption.  Actually, I think that love-at-first-sight only rang true once in my life and that is when I first met eyes with Ernie (my best little guy….a shi poo mix).  I cannot fathom how one can fall in love with someone based on appearance alone…. that to me just sounds like a recipe for disaster.  Call me a skeptic, but I believe that love comes with time; where which in time, you truly learn the exact characteristics and idiosyncricies that you love or hate about a person. 

Now I come from an upbringing that was quite strict by most people’s standards (hec, I was raised in an Italian, Catholic home … what else would one expect) and so the idea of “living with your mate” was and very much still is the big TABOO (and especially if you are a female)! But now that I am out on my own as a mature adult woman, I feel that living with your partner first is of utmost importance.  Most often I hear about wonderlust newlyweds, only once settling in to married life and ”sharing quarters”, that they discover the true nature of their loved ones.   Only to later find themselves on counselling couches contemplating whether these idiosyncricies are ones they can live with.

However, all is not lost, I am actually quite the romantic.  I enjoy a glass of wine on dreary nights nestled on the couch, beautiful snow falls caught at the window from a rug in front of the fire, getting caught in the rain and dancing in it … the list goes on.

So yes, my truth be told, love-at-first-sight is a hollywood reality in my eyes, but a sincere love that grows with time …. a profound love that even time would lie still for…….yes that is kind of love, I believe in.

 

With Growth Comes Change

Okay so day two………this is starting to feel refreshing but intimidating at the same time; as I need to keep reminding myself that i’m going out on a limb here, taking a leap of faith and am opening up my vulnerable self to whoever may land here.

Last night I found myself enduring a “late…very late night workout” at a local gym.  I had my trusty playlist motivating me through my workout, when suddenly I became plagued with this overwhelming feeling…. the feeling that things in my life right now are spinning out of control.  Now let me backup here and inform you that it has been three years that I have suffered spontaneous, full blown panic attacks.  In the beginning these panic attacks were controlled by meds, but I have since learned to “try” (operative word) to ride them out.  Last night’s episode wasn’t so bad, but I became struck with this heavy feeling in my chest … I’m searching for something that even I am not sure of. 

I’m a mom to a very beautiful little girl.  I feel eternally blessed to have her in my life and although she has been the best thing that has happened to me, I feel as though a part of me got lost in the shuffle.  Being a mom is rewarding in a way that I cannot articulate, but its physical and mental demands often leave a woman in search of the woman she once was.  Day to day tasks, thoughts and priorities are entirely centred on your precious little ones and your own thoughts and upkeep are put on the backburner, if ever, to be returned to.  Now with very small children, daily dialogue does not consist of much other than small, deliberate words and broken sentences.  This brings me to one important underlying fear, and that is the inability to once again, carry a thought provoking and intellectual adult conversation.  Having said this, I have, in the past couple of months, taken some steps to prevent this.  This has included reading books (at an alarming pace), the wonderful wide world of web and just plain old getting out and socializing (and enjoying a glass of wine or two).  The road to getting where I want to be….enjoying the things I once loved to do (painting and sewing to name a few) will be slow, but I am a firm believer that the best and most constant things in life are acquired slowly.  I look forward to the journey because something in my heart tells me that I will come out of this stronger and better than I have ever been….. a better woman, a better friend, a better daughter and sister, but most importantly, a better Mom.

 

Welcome to my life………..enjoy the ride.

Hey there, my name is Tina and I inhabit the wondeful city of Toronto.

I have a great admiration for art, literature, music, cooking …. any mode of expression really.  I’m quite crafty, but i’m guessing if you have made it this far you are already aware of that!

From this point forward, you will read my day to day; my loves, my thoughts, and my works.  Be it inspiring, interesting, humourous, depressing or plain old boring, it is for your reading pleasure if you so desire.

Welcome to my life ………