What seemed like a refreshing start has downward spiraled into a nervous breakdown.
I’m hating on everything lately, including this blog.
I’m trying to fight this on my own terms but its proving to be a task that….. well, i’m just not equipped to deal with.
It may be that time.
So here marks the first post of twenty-ten! What a tumultuous year it has been. Let me tell you that I could not have been more ready to break up with 2009. It had its oh-so-sweet moments but ultimately was a fail of epic proportions.
Upward and onward?! Yes, my friends.
I rang in the new year quietly with my bestie (lil miss C), R and our neighbour friends completely glassy eyed thanks to the endless supply of Rodney Strong for the entire evening. We kept it simple and casual and considering the year that was on its way out, it couldn’t have been better.
I, like many others, quickly ran out on Jan 2nd to snag myself a personal agenda in which to pen my goals for the coming year. *Yawn* I know, but there is something therapeutic about cracking the bind and feelin’ all ambitious. In my little black moleskin, I have resolved said list for 2010:
most important on my list is to remember to stop to breathe, to listen, to enjoy and take it all in. I don’t want to exist, I want to be present. I want to get caught up in each moment. I want to share how I’m feeling in those moments with those who are genuine enough to listen. This year I want to surround myself with fewer but more genuine people that fill me up spiritually. I don’t want to let a moment slip by me without feeling it and etching it in my mind. I want to build memories. I want to take pictures. I want to draw…….all those little things that I feel I don’t have time for, the time is now.
This feeling may be fleeting, but right now, in this moment…. I feel like I can take on the world.
And so my friends, I wish you all a year of presence……loving passionately, living freely and rocking the fuck out!
xo
t.
Christmas has crept up on me from behind like a sneaky beotch. I have no idea how we got here this quick. I’m not prepared and am hardly into it. I’m trying to feign interest for the sake of my lil’ chica but she’s a smart kid and I am pretty sure she has caught on to my scheme. I put up the Christmas tree the first week of December thinking I could force myself into the yuletide but it only ended up frustrating me even more. I decided on a whim to change the colour scheme of the tree and opted for a frosty, cold white, silver, grey, purple, palette…. but the more i looked at it in its entirety, images of one big bruise on a cold corpse surged. Nice. Quite indicative of my current state. (Fuck, i guess i should warn you that this post will not give you the warm fuzzy feelings of sippin’ back a warm hot chocolate on a cold winter night…nope bob’s your uncle, and fred is certainly not here!)
Fast forward one week from there and chaos begins to ensue. I fell hard for another. I thought i could handle the contact nonchalantly but no such thing. I’m an emotional being and I love lust, but I also enjoy the butterfly effect, the extra heart beats or the skip in my step when someone I dig enters my realm. But, I’m also a fool in love and this ended just as I suspected it would. I was foolish to think that the outcome could have been different… pleasant even. But my friends, this is not how shit goes down for me.
A world exists between us. We live separate lives that run parallel. Only difference is that one individual goes home to play house and the other goes back to a place that no longer feels like home. This year has been bittersweet for me. On one hand, I’ve indulged in some of life’s sweet encounters, I’ve travelled, I’ve come to learn who my real friends are and more importantly, I’ve come into my own. The flip side of all this is very dark. I’m in a halfassed relationship…if you can even call it a relationship. The spark is barely a flicker. I’m unhappy and have emotionally and physically “checked out.” My home has become a place; a place where I go to sleep, or hang my clothes and cook meals, but love hasn’t lived there in a long time. All that feels like home to me is her. The one thing I did right in my life. It pains me to know that she is in the middle of all this because she deserves worlds better. Not sure where to go from here. Separation is on the table but hasn’t firmed up. I’m at the fork in the road and don’t know how to proceed. I’m hoping an answer will come knocking on my heart but I’m not so sure. We have decided to brave a face for christmas and try to make it as close to normal as possible, but that in itself has become an overwhelming task. One day at a time is all I can manage for now. I’m not prepared to make any major decisions because I’m numb to the core. I cant think or concentrate let alone make any major pivotal moves. And so I continue to exist, going through the motions like a zombie with no real feeling.
2o1o cannot come soon enough. I need to turn shit around for myself. There is a very big part of me that lost itself along the way. I want to feel again. I want to feel alive. I want to feel whole and healthy. I want to strive for what brings me happiness…. I want to love again. Its all a state of being…. I want to be, not simply exist. I want to learn what I was meant for.
Here we are with less than 24 hours to christmas day. Gifts purchased and wrapped minus all the pleasure in picking the perfect gift and prettying it up with love. I was off from work this week for some serious chica time and it was great. She warmed my heart in a way that was needed…almost as if she knew (which would not surprise me in the least…but even that makes my heart hurt). We shopped, we lunched, we baked and crafted. Her smile, her hugs and i love you mamas made me realize that I was meant for her. She is what’s important to me. She is the one I want to be better for. Tomorrow night I will see her face light up with the greatest of wonderment and it will melt the coldest of hearts.
I wish all of you a wonderful holiday.
I hope for you a coming year of passion in your heart, a laughter that will raise your spirit and a calmness to your souls. Life is about the small pleasures that we take for granted. Enjoy your friends and family and take in every moment.
much love,
t.
xo
I find myself in life’s biggest predicament. A fork in my road that I never in a million years anticipated. I’m not prepared for it, either way. Lately, I find myself going through the motions but with an empty soul. Something is gone, I fear that its beyond repair. I hope its just something that I’m going through. Fucking phases, it seems I go through my fair share. But its not just about me this time and that is what makes this so difficult. I’m fucking tired of people that are quick to tell me how life is short and to do what I need to do to be happy, but its just not that easy. There are other lives involved and at stake. Sometimes we need to sacrifice for the ones we love even if it comes at our own expense. What is so fucking wrong with that? Its so frustrating. Sure, why the hell would I not want to be happy but life isn’t that simple. I’ve already written off the “follow your gut” method because it seems that my gut has a tendency to lead me astray. I’m a horrible decision maker so with those two hits against me, I’m pretty fucking screwed. I’m trying to take this one day at a time… you know..one foot in front of the other, but its hard not to feel like I keep coming up against a brick wall. This is all affecting me emotionally, spiritually and physically. I feel helpless. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I’m stuck.
Really. Fucking. Stuck.
So this is what’s been keeping me from here. Writing it all down, makes me feel it all over again, and I’m just trying to forget it. But you don’t forget these “things,” its like a pink elephant in the room that you can’t help but notice. This ain’t going away anytime soon. Sure there is counseling. I get that one often, but really why the fuck should I pay someone a ridiculous amount of money to sit there and try to tell me how I should feel. How does one change how they feel without having come to their own realizations? I need to get there on my own. Somehow. But I do know that I MUST get there. I can’t take another day.
And to think I was making progress…. but three steps forward has put me ten steps back.
Universe 1: Tina 0
Really fucking super!
Go team!!
I know.
I haven’t been here in awhile.
Truth is I don’t know where I am.
Things are fuckin’ rough. Shit seems to come rolling right back in.
This month has been horrible; hell the whole year has been shit.
Lil’ miss C ended up needing a cast, and a nasty flu soon followed. That’s where we last left off, right?
I’m in a shitty spot, more about that later.
Right now, I’m trying to break up with Halloween…..I HATE HALLOWEEN! meh
These next few weeks are going to be chaotic as I’m trying to plan a very kick ass pirate party for the special three year old in my life.
I’ll try to keep you in the loop.
Tis’ all I got for ya….
There is something about cold rainy nights that make me want to have crazy sex against hotel windows.
Rain is magical.
Pure fucking magical.
I have nothing of great interest to spill here tonight.
So, some fluff pour toi!
My weekend went something like this:
Friday was a really long day at the office and marked the close of a hellish week at work. Without a solid sleep for over two weeks accompanied by this damp, cold, rainy November-like weather, I was pretty hell bent on spending the night in with a book and a very grande latte. However, after having received what seemed like a tenth call from my mother inviting me over for dinner, I caved. I’ve been pretty emotional this past month so I felt that some time with the fam would actually do me swell. I was longing for comfort and a sense of security; a desire to be in a place where I could just shut down and not have to think. So off I went.
At a moment in the evening, I sat there quietly taking it all in.
A table adorned with an assortment of cheeses, olives and fine wine; mother fiddling with a bottle of hot oil for garnish while yelling at pops to ensure he doesn’t burn the pizza; a double oven filled with thin crusted pizzas toppedd with bufalo mozarella, olives, thinly sliced potato and homemade proscuitto; my brother aggressively typing away at his laptop tuning in once in awhile to toss in his two cents; one voice talking louder over the other. I stopped and smiled to myself … it was home and it still felt like it; just as if I never left.
After a great meal, a bottle of wine and a competitive game of scrabble, I called it a night. Of course, not a night which ended in actual decent sleep but one where I finally turned in at 4:47 a.m. (great fun)
Saturday, all zombie like (from lack of sleep), I scoured the city on a mission for Miss C’s big girl bed. King Street, Avenue, Queen, Ossington… I hit them all. Fueled only by coffee, I successfully sourced a bed, a dresser, night table, pendant lamp, rug, chair and linens. I must say this little girl is gonna have one hell of a room. Seeing as though this was gonna put a very large dent in my account, I decided on adult furniture that she could grow with for a while. In effort to simulate an ethereal haven, the colour palette I’m leaning toward is white, grey and cream with pops of fuscia. lavender and chartreuse. Anyway, here are images of some of my picks so far:
(not sure what’s up with the mish mash of pics???)
You get the idea yes?
Obviously I could not accomplish said task with success avec spunky three year old in tow, so lil’ Miss C stayed with her grandparents. All was dandy until I got a call notifying me of an accident. Miss C had fallen off a chair and landed with her weight on her wrist. She was crying for a solid twenty so I dropped and made a mad b-line for home. Of course, the paranoiac that I am, I immediately thought to rush her to Sick Kids for an xray but there was something about the idea of an overcrowded wait room with “sick” germs floating everywhere that didn’t seem like a good solution. I called Telehealth and they instructed me to give her tylenol and apply a cold compress to the area. Great. Now I have an injured, irritated and cranky three year old that won’t stop crying. I held her the entire evening trying to comfort her the best way I could.
This morning I woke up (well I never really slept to begin with…super fab!) hoping that today would be a better day. Not so. I ran around town trying to collect all things Halloween to put into loot bags for Miss C’s fellow comrades. Apparently candy is not permitted to be given out due to nut allergy precautions. What? No candy? Sacrileges! Alright, I dealt with it…. moving along.
I went on to sourcing pirate paraphernalia for miss C’s upcoming third birthday. Yes you read that correctly, she wants a pirate party. She’s obsessed with this shit. I ransacked Michaels Art Store and Party Packagers for swords, hooks, hats, flags… you name it. Anyway, I’m adding my own girly twist to the theme so it should be super cool. However, I certainly have my work cut out for me this month.
I ended the day with some shopping for myself in hopes of a pick-me-up. My loot went something like this: Ole Henricksen Cleanser, OPI Dark Room Nail Lacquer, Two pairs of pants, a stone washed denim looking spandex skirt (tres 80s), a blue shirt, a vest, a sequenced vest, a sweater/fur vest, a pencil skirt and a peach long sleeved T……. I also consumed three tall lattes. Got home from todays adventure, in the rain I might add, only to learn that Miss C is not really using her right (injured) arm. Something is surely up…. uggghhhh
Tomorrow, wait its 2:36am …. Today will go something like this: don’t bother going to sleep, continue to search for fluff on web, go to gym, take Miss C to pediatrician, go into office to grab some things, work from home….. blah blah blah
Moral of the story: I’m fuckin’ tired.
Its one of those nights tonight …
Where you are all I can think about.
Do you think about me?
Do I cross your mind at all?
A soft fingertip down your back,
A trace of your lips,
A slight breath in your ear,
Does any of this remind you of me?
Because all I can think about is the afterglow of that night
I know I said I wouldn’t ………
but I do
Ugghhhh…
I have had a migraine powered by Satan all day long!
It hurts too much to keep my eyes open, let alone keep my head upright.
My neck, shoulders and back feel twisted right up to my brain.
Perhaps a reflection of my insides? my thoughts? my anguish?
These past three weeks have fuckin’ sucked it the worst possible way.
To be completely honest, i’m interrupted … very interrupted.
Decisions, decisions … the ultimate tug of war between heart and head.
Just thinking about it makes everything hurt all the more…
In completely unrelated news, its Ernie’s 7th birthday today. Ernie is my best bud pup, a shitzu-poodle mix and I’m wishing him the very best of doggy days today.
Lovin you always Erns! xoxoxo
