Alive

Yes, yes… i’m here

Everything is okay on the homefront.

The break was much needed and quite restorative.  To be completely honest this whole blogging thing was overtaking me.  It added a pressure in my life that I really didn’t need weighing me down.  I finally got my life together and I feel great.  Physically anyway, however, I am still dealing with some very emotional and personal issues that I’m still trying to sort through… but then again aren’t we all?

I have been gone from here so long that I don’t really know where to start in terms of recapping so I will save myself the grief and post a photo essay which will kind of sum it all up.

So there you go … a little check in if you will.

If you’ve stuck around during this haitus of mine…. thank you.

Have a great weekend,

t

Shower head

There is something about “the shower” that is so magical

I was having “one of those days” a couple of days ago .. you know the ones that you just want to be submerged in water and just fall asleep.  Wait, that just really sounds dark and emo.  Let me clarify, I don’t want to kill myself, I just felt like I needed cleansing of the emotional kind.

It was eleven o clock at night, I was exhausted in every capacity so I decided to shower with the lights off.  The water was steaming hot; so much so that my glass shower turned into a foggy haven.  I closed my eyes and let the water run over me.  And so what started as an honest shower soon became the most erotically therapeutic session in a long time ….

I went there ….

The lights were off and the glass shower lit with the golden glow of a handful of candles

“Wicked Games” floated in the air

You sat there on that little purposeful ledge in my shower

The water was hot

The steam enclosed us

I tilted my head back and let the water cleanse me

Little tiny droplets travelled from my forehead down to my lips, slowly down my neck, over my collar bone, gently over my nipples, down to my navel, to my pubic bone, down my inner thighs, over my shins, down through my toes and into the drain

Each drop freed me emotionally, physically, spiritually and sexually

You just sat there and watched …

I turned to look at you and you grinned

I sat on top of you and wrapped my legs around your body

I whispered in your ear … “what a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you”

You gently tugged my hair, to tilt my head and passionately kissed my neck

This sent me into an erotic rage

I swept my fingers down the side of your cheek, held your face in my hands and traced your wet lips with right thumb

I kissed you … barely … and gently bit your bottom lip

I felt you rise between me … 

I was going somewhere and you were coming for the ride

I kissed your neck as I slowly unsaddled you

I ran my finger down your chest, stopped at your belly button and I kneeled before you

I spread your legs gently and you tilted your head back with a groan

You knew the tide was coming

I kissed your inner thighs

as I caressed your sweet spot

that secret spot between the two

I wrapped my lips around you 

more intensely with each groan until you exploded to oblivion

Your heart was racing

I was wanting

You turned me around

so that my back faced you

and sat me on your lap

Your hands came around me from behind

And you spread me

You strummed me while you whispered dirties in my ear

and you sent me there ….

and just as I was about to….

cold beads of water started to drip over me

I opened my eyes 

There was no you

only a dark room

no steam

a cold glass box

I was out of hot water …. fuck!

 

Sigh … showers are so magical

“And so we are told this is the Golden Age…”

I know I have been away from here for awhile but it was for good reason.

I struggled to get into the spirit of things this year and went through all the motions hoping it would spark some kind of warm feeling but it just wasn’t there … well at least not at the beginning.  I spent many a nights baking, days meticulously wrapping gifts martha-stewart-esque, shopping fiendishly and blaring Christmas tunes on my laptop … but in the hustle and bustle of it all … something was missing … as obvious as a pink elephant in the room.

This past year has been quite tumultous for me.  I have toiled with feelings and thoughts that seemed so strange and uncharacteristic.  I have experienced many nights of anxiety, many months of depression and times of deepened sadness.  For a better part of 2008, I didn’t know who I was anymore.  I have been trying to deal with alot of changes in my environment and well, I just plain out could not “deal” for lack of a better word.  Christmas crept up quickly and left even quicker.  I felt like my tree was up and back in a box in a matter of 24hours.  

I did however, try to put on a brave face for lil’ miss C and it went off without a hitch like any good mother could.  Seeing her happiness and excitement for all things Christmas kind of made it all new for me (if that makes any sense) and it made bells go off inside me.  I am blessed with the most amazing little girl and nothing can ever dampen that … I realize that my love for her and my desire to give her a wonderful life filled with happiness should serve as my motivation to start looking at life a little differently.  And so my transformation began … It truly is amazing how much this little girl has changed my life and taught me life’s most important lessons.  At the end of the day, nothing else matters to me but her.  I want to feel better and be better because that is the type of mother and role model she deserves.  I’m thankful for this lesson.  I must say here that even in my worst of moments, she doesn’t really realize because I won’t let her see that side of me, but it is pretty critical that I get my life back in control before it gets to a point and she gets to an age that she starts to realize it.

Right in time for Christmas Day, I had a renewed and awakened sense of self.

Although, a terrible emptiness was present at the dinner table this year; we enjoyed a loving and warm family-infused holiday.  I realized I was with the people that mattered to me and that I mattered to; family and friends that never let me down, that encourage and support me, and that appreciate me for the person that I am.  I am eternally greatful for them.

Boxing week was spent in the company of good friends almost each night.  Movie marathons, wii face-offs, spontaneous lunches, casual dinners and the occassional glass of wine (or two … or many)! 

New Years Eve suddenly sprung and I found myself preparing a dinner for ten.  An ambundance of food,  friendship, music and good wine was exactly how we did it ..  like any good Italian would.  Midnight rolled around and we didn’t even feel it.  I raised my glass knowing in my head that this year would be different … better.  So yes, I chose to buy into the “new year, new beginnings” theory.  And although my choice of words sound pessimistic, I intend them in a way that explains my deliberate effort to make a good go at 2009.  In honor of this endeavour, I acted like the gazillion other new year’s resolutioners and bought an agenda ( a damn hot agenda too if that’s possible )  And so on the first day of the New Year, I filled its pages with promises, commitments, projects and the whole gamut of things one pens.  To be quite honest, somewhere inside of me, I got excited.  Excited that I was going to make a serious attempt at turning this ship around.

One week in, lets say, I had doubts.  But hell, not every day is going to be perfect.  I am in this predicament because I put too many expectations on myself and it only makes me feel worse when something doesn’t realize.  So I poured a glass of wine, turned on some music and collected my thoughts and I’m okay.  For the first time in a long time … i’m okay; so i’m not off to such a bad start afterall.

p.s. Merry belated Christmas to all of you.  I hope that this New Year brings you all sincere happiness, continued friendship, good health and prosperity.  I have met some wonderful and inspiring people via the world wide web … and that is pretty rad!

et pour toi … a glimpse,

In true Santa style ... her wish for a doll house was realized!

 

skim milk and chocolate chip teddy grahams ... revolutionary!

 

a couture christmas of purple and lace

 

nothing says christmas like plaid and scantilly clad

Acceptance

So yesterday I decided that today was going to be the day that I’d get my shit together.

I was up at 4:15am (yes you read that correctly) and on a treadmill by 5am

Post workout I felt great, but now but a mere twelve hours later, I’m fighting to keep my eyes open

I know it will get better with time (Robin sharma said so!)

But the funny thing is …  

this morning as I left the house to go start/warm the car,

outside was damp, dark, cold and rainy, but to me, it felt alot like Spring ……….. hmphf.. go figure

I’m not going to question it … i’m going to take it all in and enjoy it

These moments seem to be few and far between

Bank This

There is nothing more to write to you

I have written all of what is left

I have whispered it softly to you time and time again

Syllables from the depths of my existence … the core of my heart

but

you choose not to hear them

Not to feel them

Hell do you even entertain them for a second?

Not once

Not one sentence

Not one word

You are so empty love 

How art thou so foolish?

Didn’t your mom teach you to be a thief?

or an investor at the very least

you should have banked it baby

all of it

all of me

you could have been rich!

Now there you sit

on your poshy couch

alone

penniless

heartless

with nothing but your own hand to stroke you

If you rub it enough, maybe

just maybe

it will bring you luck

Good luck with that!

Happenings

I know these have been a long time coming.

So without further delay, this has been what i’ve been up to in the last three months …

Baking, pfft… of course!  These delights were for a breat cancer charity bake sale (but i’m sure you guessed that!)

Nights out to “forget”

kissing deadbeats and pumpkin picking (not sure why this thumbnail is so flippin’ small though! .. you get the idea)

Mia Casa … oh hey there Fall, where did you go because I swear I only felt you for seven days tops!

Shopping (lots of it) … Hello Rhythm Nation …….and yes, i bought it and I rock it with leather skinnies, white shirt, boho scarf/belt and layered necklaces!

October also included making a spectacular costume for one beautiful little girl with an incredible sense of style …. come on, like what kid asks to be a peacock … a trendsetter by the age of two!  that’s my girl

Baked cake no.1 for lil’ miss C’s 2nd birthday, but the second one turned out nicer …….. although tasted equally yummy

I will soon add that birthday post I promised because it was certainly an affair to remember.

As for me at this very point in time, I’m still having a hard time with things, but I am trying to stay somewhat positive and hopefully float back up to the top.

My night tonight will consist of the long awaited search for “the mac daddy machines” … i’m taking the plunge and purchasing the very sought after TrueSteam LG washer and dryer and i’m madly stoked.  As some of you may remember, I am a bit of a freak when it comes to my home and cleaning.  I’ve been wanting these babies for some time now and with my current ones on the brink of doom … what better time! 

After that I will attempt to wrap these gazillion christmas gifts that lurk in my office … I feel like a damn bag lady .. you know the kind that Oprah does those big specials on.  Where her and Nate and that other “declutter-your-home” guy secretly ambush some filthy pig whose got fifteen years of crap crammed in their bedrooms… ya okay, maybe a bit of exaggeration, but I hate clutter.  Knowing how I work, I will Martha Stewart the F#$K out of those gifts and then they’ll be too pretty to open.

So there.

I’ll be back soon and give you a follow up!

Friday Out!

Afterglow

Today I was faced with an overwhelming moment of fear

Fear of something terribly wrong and it finally put me over the edge

There is no hiding from it, I have to face it

Face it, live it, love it …. love me and all the little things

everything else doesn’t matter

So I will sit here and try to live in the afterglow of “good”

because if I don’t choose it, the ugly will win

take me out completely

and the world would lose something great

something real and genuine

something would be noticeably missing

I’m not going out like that ….

I dream in purple

I find myself (far too often), struggling to figure out what time it is or what day of the week we are in. 

It is so crazy to live life not by the time that reads in neon green on the microwave but by the light that shines in through the window, or the routine predicted to me by two year old or by the million times Ernie has to take care of business.  Hell, my life used to be dictated by a wrist watch.  I always had to be in fifteen places at once … a steady rush that made me crave for a life of stillness … watchless

And here I am now yearning for the rush again.

One day bleeds into the next and it only serves to remind me how time slips through my fingers far too quickly.

I know where I want to be and where I need to be but somehow i’m stuck at “start”.

A lack of motivation so debilitating. 

It never used to be this way.  

In my life I’ve always had a vision, a target and I worked hard and stopped at nothing until I got there but lately I feel like that damn bullseye is moving at a pace that makes my eyes blur.

Its all fuzzy lately. 

What I want is simple …

…a purple crayon with which to paint myself a sun.

Stolen

For the past couple of days I have jotted down in my mind all the things that I have been wanting to catch you all up on, but I have been stricken with this grave helplessness that seems to be festering for much longer than I had hoped for.

This post was supposed to be in dedication of my beautiful little girl to honor her birthday, but I cannot begin to type words that would do that particular post justice when I’m feeling this way.  So I will post it, just not yet.

This depression shit seems to be quite cyclical with me.  I’m so tired of talking about it really.  I need to find it in me to turn the tide and set sail in a different direction.  There is an unhappiness within me that I cannot piece together.  I feel like although I have such wonderful people and blessings in my life it just doesn’t seem like enough.  And that, in my mind, seems so selfish and greedy but it is obviously a sadness that I cannot help.  I feel like something has been stolen from me; a happiness that I deserve.  And this my friends, upsets me.

The worst part of all this is that in this state I can find every little thing wrong in my life, even those things that in fact, aren’t really “wrong” or “bad”at all.  As you can imagine, this completely fucks with my head.  The one thing I can be sure of in the midst of all of this is that I have less tolerance for shitty people; and in a very sad way, this furthers that loss of hope in the goodness of others.  The result; an anger within that leads me to dislike the person that I am, the way that I feel about and deal with these people and how I naively wear my heart on my sleeve.  I, in essence, put myself in the line of fire whereby I am ultimately, in some way or another, hurt by these shitty people.  Quite frankly, I am sick of being the bigger person all the time.  So without further adieu, my rant.  *(I need to get this off my chest, so if you would be so kind to allow me this time to do so, it would come greatly appreciated.) 

* warning:  excessive foul language ahead!:

The deal is this: I’m a girl that that is genuine.  I’m all heart and quite the emotional.  I open myself wholeheartedly even to strangers because I care about people.  It bothers me immensely to hear about or see people and animals ill or upset.  To tell me you are disappointed is enough to kill me a little inside.  I have utmost respect for people (until they disrespect me and even then it takes alot).  Not so bad right? 

Well … in this crazy world in which we live, the “shitty people” take advantage of people like me (and especially in this state of mind).  They sit high on their mighty horse and feel like they have licence to demean others and disregard ones feelings, thoughts and concerns so damn easily. 

How silly of you to disregard me when I put myself out there because I give a fuck about you.  Get off your high horse and shape the fuck up asshole.  You lead a miserable life because you buy into this fake shit that you think is so real and great.  You think you have everyone all figured out you dumb fuck.  Guess what? If you, for one minute, took your head out of your ass you’d see that you don’t know shit about me, shit about this world.  You are an ungreatful wretch and you are not even remotely close to being worth my fuckin time. Come out from under that rock you lame ass and maybe you will understand that you receive whatever it is that you project.  Nothing and I mean NOTHING gives you the right to make another person feel this way.  You use people at your own convenience for some sick pleasure.  Maybe, just maybe you can lighten up, open your heart, for once, to someone that is real… truly fucking real, and you just may very well shock the fuck out of yourself and actually find happiness or a smile at the very least.  I’m tired of people like you, people that make me and others like me feel this way, people that make me feel like I don’t matter, that I’m weak or that I’m not enough.  Go fuck yourself you worthless piece of shit!

(pfft … I feel fucking better already)

Now I am sure that some of you have already concocted your analyzations and diagnosis’ of my life, but I couldn’t care less.  You will most probably think that I am bitter or heart broken but its neither.  I am angry; angry that this vulnerability is so bad that I question my character.  I really sucks to find fault in myself when I know that I have great qualities .. kind of like the sun fighting to shine through on a really cloudy day.  At the core of me there is strength and meaning but most importantly, heart; I just need to dig a little to find it again.

Tomorrow is a new day and its going to be a good day …

Just wait and see

The snowflakes.. they melt into my tears and you can’t tell which is which

I sit here at my kitchen table

Looking out into a sea of white

Sipping a warm hot chocolate, yet still feeling a coolness stir inside of me

I wonder where you are right now,

what you are doing or whether you even read here

I try to understand you but I can’t pretend anymore

Why is loving you so hard

what are you afraid of

If the world ended tomorrow, we wouldn’t know how great we would be together

because we would be exactly that … great

I can love you like you need to be loved

I can kiss you like you have never been kissed before

I can squeeze your hand softly to let you know things will be ok when they don’t seem to be

I can be all that you need because I need you

You may not be good for me but I know that you are for me

How crazy is that

You cannot pretend that I am not here because I am

You know that I am and your heart knows that I am

so what’s your deal

I can fill that big space of yours ever so nicely don’t you think

DON’T YOU THINK

There is no pretending you see, its just you and me

as it should be

But for now I will venture out into the white

and I will cry

but you won’t know that

because it is snowing outside